Overpaying on your insurance?

From: Best cover
Sent: 30 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Overpaying on your insurance?




















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Overpaying on your insurance?
To: peter_________




Dear Peter


I WOULD love some discount on insurance please. I understand that FFW (“First For Women”) offers superb rates on insurance cover.


It is to this end that I have run the numbers in terms of potential savings (I am habitually in motor car accidents due to a heavy foot and well, because some people say I am “a raging alcoholic with substance abuse issues ranging from sniffing burning hamster fur and drinking litres of hand sanitizer…”) - But these are subjective opinions…


I digress…anyway, being “First For Women”, my one obstacle is fairly obvious…I am not a woman.


Despite years of so-called “Ethanol Inhalation Syndrome” which had supposedly rendered me impotent, the people at FFW STILL refuse to sign me up.
I am therefore going to have “gender removal” surgery to effectively render me androgynous.


My attorney says it’s a great loop-hole should “First For Men” ever come about, or hit absolute pay-dirt if an insurance company called “ Man-Lady Mad Buys” opens it’s doors to me, as I will effectively be their only member (no pun intended).

What is your view Peter?

Allen (soon to be Alice)

Go Beyond The Obvious

From: See What’s Possible
Sent: 24 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........













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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 June 2011
To: brad@_________
Subject: Fwd: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........


Hello Brad

Thanks for your mail, but I found it rather insensitive – especially your reference to “Go where nothing is beyond your reach”.

Brad, I underwent life-changing surgery when I was 15 years old. I was born without arms you see, and at 15 – my name was pulled out of a database for a revolutionary arm transplant operation.

My recovery went very well, but I came to notice with time some differences in my limb behaviour… I requested the donor information from the hospital and found out that my right arm had been donated by a 28 year old body-builder, and my left arm was donated by a very violent female kleptomaniac.

Now Brad, at the age of 15 it is very natural with the onset of puberty and raging hormones, and awareness of the opposite sex – that I began to have certain urges…

What should have been a ‘normal’ activity for a young boy behind a closed bedroom door with a racy publication soon became a nightmare from hell. Suffice to say, it was my right arm “Arnold” holding the magazine, and “Winona”, my left arm doing the legwork, so to speak…

I cannot elaborate as it is too traumatic…you have no clue what it is like to try out for the swimming team, only to rip circular whirlpools into the water and almost drown the entire polo team…

Nor would you know what it’s like when you’re touring a local live snake show in Thailand only to have your left hand try and stuff seventeen monocled cobras into your jacket pocket.

I just thought you should know that your e-mail has dredged up horrible memories for me…

I have since found my niche in life now being employed as an all-rounder county cricketer, I bowl the fastest deliveries known to man, and as a batsman – I can steal 3 singles when edging to the wicket-keeper.

Kind Regards

Allen