Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min

From: Worldchat
Sent: 04 July 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min













Yes! Now you can use your Smartphone to chat to your loved ones or business contacts overseas at really affordable prices!
Features & Benefits:
• Portable & available anywhere that you can get good internet access on your phone.
• Can also be used in WiFi hot spots or your home or office Wifi
• Works on either Android or Iphone
• Works on 3G/HSDPA or Wireless
• Easy to use: No need to enter your pin number each time you want to make a call. Just open the app, and dial the number you wish to call directly (in international format).
Click here to get connected now!

Where can you purchase Worldchat airtime?
• Buy airtime online now
• Independent stockists which can be located on our website.
• Checkers & Checkers Hyper Nationwide
• Selected Spar stores




More features will come later, including the ability to use your PC instead of a smartphone.



Blackberry also coming soon.....
Got Questions?
Email:_____________




From: Allen Johnson
Date: Tue, Jul 5, 2011
Subject:Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min
To: info@___________


To whom it may concern

I have always been inspired by the great inventors of our generation, and in particular the revolution of communication in the 21st century.

But I believe in tangible communication means, these “wireless networks” and “wi-fi” and “Bluetooth” enabled devices are so superficial and I believe consumers feel at least some element of “buyer’s remorse” when they purchase such “data” packages.

Besides, I asked a so-called “smart-phone” where I’d put my dentures yesterday and it had no idea – I am still on leek soup until I find them…

Anyway, I have over the last 20 years, built an under-sea hollow cable network from South Africa all the way to Washington DC, with a separate talk-pipe that goes right to the White House.

So, unlike your pitch of contacting “friends and relatives over-seas”, I balk at your proposal and say, “contact your friends and relatives UNDER-seas!”

And, instead of patrons buying air-time, my customers buy “wet time”.

Now, you may be interested to find out how I achieved this remarkable feat, well I could tell you but….I’ve basically forgotten…my physician tells me I’ve had more “bends” than Mercedes, building “that darned contraption”.

Anyway, the final pipe welding was completed in 2002 and I now have a 50cm diameter, 13 000km long communication pipe lying at the bottom of the ocean.

Like the Russians in WWII, I also employed the services of animals to run down the length of pipes with written messages tied to little bags around their “provision bags” (which contained food and water for their arduous journey…)

I tested a series of animals for their speed,slenderness (pipe-fit criticality) and brain function (for when the “bends” struck).

2 animals came up trumps, the ferret, and the skunk. So, I sent the ferret in first and he got to DC after a year or so and he had somehow become fluent in whale….

Tragically though, “Popeye” died half-way trying to come back….my pipe-line was now blocked.

So….I sent the skunk down to clear the corpse (it is a little known fact that skunks feed on dead ferrets – it’s true, Bear Grylls wrote about it….)

I sent “Pepe” down on his perilous mission along with a stolen medical doctor’s beeper which I used to try to trace his movement with my trusty sea – microphone.

The real problem then started when it was evident that Popeye wasn’t dead at all, but had in fact been playing “possum” all this time, a further revelation revealed to me that he had also in fact actually BEEN a possum all this time!

Awkward…. What happened next was just awful, Popeye bit Pepe right in the rump and in doing so, ruptured his “stink gland”…under approximately 3 million metric tonnes of water pressure, that stench pretty much zip-lined to DC, and…the White House.

George W Bush had to be rushed to the emergency room, the CIA covered up the whole embarrassing incident citing attempted Taliban anthrax attacks…

I have since made the “Most Wanted” list in the USA for all the wrong reasons…

I just wanted to share my pioneering story with you, no pain no gain.

By the way, Bear says skunks are edible, you just gotta avoid their stink glands….





















Regards

Allen

Join Body and Mind

From: Body and Mind
Sent: 30 June 2011 10:46
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.




















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Subscribe to our mailing list and be entered in to our competition!!
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Look forward to hearing from you!!
Warm Regards,
Body and Mind
www.bodyandmind.co.za


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 04 July 2011 1
To: info@bodyandmind.co.za
Subject: Fwd:Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.


Dear Body&Mind

Your invitation to have me “join your mailing list” would suggest you already HAVE me on your mailing list.

However, I have read through this whilst doing vertical push-ups on my own chakra sticks and I’m afraid that in so doing, I’d forgotten about the hot stones that were precariously balanced on my back, which have now slid down the crevice of my buttocks forcing me to self-hypnotize myself instantly for the pain…so here I stand, intermittently replying to your email with one hand whilst balancing on ONE chakra stick…all the while chanting the pain – numbing mantra of the South Tibetan Boys Choir “uchra – machra, uchra – machra…”


I have read all of your advertised books already, I have even read “The Eleven Steps to Take Charge Of Your Emotional Life” v.s. your “ Ten Steps…” the 11th step being to remember to cry as loudly as you can for exactly 41 minutes (without bursting a blood vessel in your medulla oblongata).


I had once mistakenly ordered a book from Amazon thinking it was “The End Of Karma” as advertised on your list below, but they messed up and sent me Boy George’s biography about the break-up of Culture Club, entitled “The End Of Karma Chameleon”.


I quickly had to suppress feelings of rage, but quickly initiated self-flagellation (where you whip your own back until you bleed, a penance of sorts – you like Dan Brown books probably, or look it up – whatever…) Although that day, I forgot I had acupuncture pins in my back and thus resembled an enlightened pin-cushion by day’s end.


Anyway, I’m still new at this all and should be ok once I’ve conquered Everest with only a sleeping bag and a Mars bar next month. I will send photos!















Jhe Yong!

Allen

Overpaying on your insurance?

From: Best cover
Sent: 30 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Overpaying on your insurance?




















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Overpaying on your insurance?
To: peter_________




Dear Peter


I WOULD love some discount on insurance please. I understand that FFW (“First For Women”) offers superb rates on insurance cover.


It is to this end that I have run the numbers in terms of potential savings (I am habitually in motor car accidents due to a heavy foot and well, because some people say I am “a raging alcoholic with substance abuse issues ranging from sniffing burning hamster fur and drinking litres of hand sanitizer…”) - But these are subjective opinions…


I digress…anyway, being “First For Women”, my one obstacle is fairly obvious…I am not a woman.


Despite years of so-called “Ethanol Inhalation Syndrome” which had supposedly rendered me impotent, the people at FFW STILL refuse to sign me up.
I am therefore going to have “gender removal” surgery to effectively render me androgynous.


My attorney says it’s a great loop-hole should “First For Men” ever come about, or hit absolute pay-dirt if an insurance company called “ Man-Lady Mad Buys” opens it’s doors to me, as I will effectively be their only member (no pun intended).

What is your view Peter?

Allen (soon to be Alice)

Go Beyond The Obvious

From: See What’s Possible
Sent: 24 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........













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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 June 2011
To: brad@_________
Subject: Fwd: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........


Hello Brad

Thanks for your mail, but I found it rather insensitive – especially your reference to “Go where nothing is beyond your reach”.

Brad, I underwent life-changing surgery when I was 15 years old. I was born without arms you see, and at 15 – my name was pulled out of a database for a revolutionary arm transplant operation.

My recovery went very well, but I came to notice with time some differences in my limb behaviour… I requested the donor information from the hospital and found out that my right arm had been donated by a 28 year old body-builder, and my left arm was donated by a very violent female kleptomaniac.

Now Brad, at the age of 15 it is very natural with the onset of puberty and raging hormones, and awareness of the opposite sex – that I began to have certain urges…

What should have been a ‘normal’ activity for a young boy behind a closed bedroom door with a racy publication soon became a nightmare from hell. Suffice to say, it was my right arm “Arnold” holding the magazine, and “Winona”, my left arm doing the legwork, so to speak…

I cannot elaborate as it is too traumatic…you have no clue what it is like to try out for the swimming team, only to rip circular whirlpools into the water and almost drown the entire polo team…

Nor would you know what it’s like when you’re touring a local live snake show in Thailand only to have your left hand try and stuff seventeen monocled cobras into your jacket pocket.

I just thought you should know that your e-mail has dredged up horrible memories for me…

I have since found my niche in life now being employed as an all-rounder county cricketer, I bowl the fastest deliveries known to man, and as a batsman – I can steal 3 singles when edging to the wicket-keeper.

Kind Regards

Allen

Introducing MyUniqueBid

From: MyUniqueBid
Sent: 16 May 2011 17:40
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Introducing MyUniqueBid

My Unique Bid is changing all the rules.
Instead of bidding a fortune for something, we want you to bid the lowest unique bid. Check out www.myuniquebid.co.za and register today!
By simply registering and referring as many friends as possible, you could win a 16gig ipad worth R5000. Get started here.

















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Fri, May 20, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Introducing MyUniqueBid
To: Introducing MyUniqueBid

Dear “Unique Bid”

I already have all these items, what else can you perhaps offer me? I have over the years, acquired a personal wish list of items that I always have wanted to get – and despite a plethora of visits to auctions around the world, I have always been dismayed not to have found them…

So, in light of your “Unique Bid” website, and the fact that E-Bay have a restraining order against me for sending them my wish list requests – please will you see whether you can line up one or more of the following for me:

• The Director’s Cut DVD of “Pakistani Nights – Unhoarding bin Laden’s Erotica: Now Un-Tali-banned”.
• Charlie Sheen’s ashtray.
• 3-D contact lenses.
• Clown shoes for my clown fish (he’s a size 000000.5) – he’s just learnt to trapeze into the wash basin…
• Ghost repellent spray
• A vinyl LP player that plays records backwards but that doesn’t reverse the way the words sound...I just love that ballad, “ Dead Are Friends My All”….























Please respond as soon as you can, I will get my E-bucks and coupons ready in anticipation!

Allen

Cricket Capers Part 1...

You may, or may not have heard Darren Scott’s “Rugby Panel” on 94.2 Jacaranda FM on the “Just Plain Breakfast” where you hear one guy that impersonates several voices with eerie similarity in a mock rugby panel that either previews, or reviews key rugby games. His repertoire includes Pieter de Villiers (P-Divvy); Hugh Bladen (“give us another whizza!”); Joel Stransky; and Nataniel…yes…Nataniel…

The sketch is no longer than 5 minutes or so and is tightly scripted and is sublimely executed which leaves all reeling with laughter.

Now…I figured I’d script a “Cricket Panel” sketch, just for fun and including players that have the misfortune of wearing the ear-piece on the pitch at the time…. Not sure I could pull the voices off, but this would be the long and short of it.

Here’s the scene….it’s a current World XI v.s. a “Heroes of the Past XI” and they’re playing a T20 in Chennai… this is part 1…





“Hello Chennai! And welcome to today’s massive encounter between the “World XI” and the “Heroes Past XI”! I have with me today’s captains, Shane Warne and Kamran Akmal. Kamran, you have the coin, please will you toss it and call it….”







‘What coin Ravi?....”







“Never mind…I’ll do it, you call it in the air…”








“Not guilty! I mean…tails....”










“Tails it is…what are you going to do Kamran?” You say you are going to have a bet?? Oh, it must be the crowd. Akmal has won the toss and has elected to bat!”









“ Aww yeah, the wicket oughtta hold up for 40 overs, I would’a done the same mate”…










“On this surface the power play will be vital, Danny – having been a hero of the past before, like me, you would favour the bouncy conditions out there?”







“Thenk you Kepler, yeah!! You just cahn’t take ANYTHING for grahnted on this sort of pitch, the girls are dancing, the fireworks are flying and Allen Stanford must be elated with the inclusion of Chris Gayle here today!”..



*hastily cut to ad break*












“We apologise for that loss of transmission to our viewers worldwide, Danny had a problem with his mic, back to you in the Supersport Studio Hays, we’ll return our viewers to the action very shortly!”…









“ Um yes, well uh…strange um.. I apologi….”










“ (hic*) wha? What? “..









Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………









“ROFLMAO!!”

What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

From: Ria
Sent: 22 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......


Dear Flight Fan
Imagine a Flight Simulator that offers "real life flying" with Accurate Worldwide Scenery based on Actual Military Mapping, over 20 000 of the World's Airports and over 80 different Aircraft!!
• Changeable weather
• Real life cockpits
• Night flying
• Flying over your own town
• Accurate Airport Approach Lighting
• Fly anything from a helicopter to Military Fighting Jets, to the Wrights' Brothers first plane
• Realistic 3D cockpit views
• Locate other pilots with Google Map Integration
• Lifetime updates and upgrades
Have you ever wanted to fly a plane or a helicopter but lacked the money or ability to do so?
Are you a real pilot looking to improve your skills without having to take off?
Do you want to try some dangerous manoeuvres without risking your life?
SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR... strap on your flying helmet, jump in the cockpit and get ready to take off by visiting www.myfreesimulator.com

The MegaBonus Team
PS See you on the runway!!
To Unsubscribe click here


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 23 March 2011
To: marketing@__________
Subject: RE: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

Hi Ria

Wow, this is an amazing opportunity, I am an avid collector of simulation experiences and unbeknownst to many of my friends, I hold the performance record on my first simulator purchase; “Steam Train Locomotive Coal Shoveller” – I shovelled 3.5 metric tons of coal in just 2 hours – a record by any measure!!

Upon achieving this milestone however, I had to take a shower simulator as I was covered head to toe, in simulated coal soot…

THIS prospect of yours , however has got me salivating like rabid pit-bull in a chicken sexing barn.

I ADORE the limitless bounds of the open skies and I am just totally taken with the various options and scenarios that you’ve offered that I can tailor for my personal flight experiences.

Just to be more specific, can you look into a personal request for me that has been a coveted fantasy of mine for the last 18 years of my life?

Here’s the “scene”; I am a renegade ex-Viet Nam fighter pilot that specialises in helicopters (like TC from Magnum PI) but I am sent on a TOP, TOP, TOP SECRET mission to the Playboy mansion to rescue all the playmates – but I want to fly this mission in that pink helicopter from “Riptide” – “Screaming Mimi” was her name……

THEN, as I am being directed to the “Bunny Pad” for landing by Hef himself, a BAD version of Airwolf (being piloted by Mickey Rourke and Muamar Ghadaffi) alights from nowhere firing heat-seeking Sidewinder missiles at me, I quickly take evasive action and deploy counter measures like sunbursts. My co-pilot (Charlie Sheen) then says, “Trolls at 9 o’clock! Deploying 30mm chainguns…FIRING!!! GOT HIM!! WINNING!!”

And then we land and smoke fine Cuban cigars and talk about the price of Moet champagne with Hef while the playmates wash my chopper.
















The End

What do you think?

Allen