Put us to the test

From: Smartsurance
Sent: 20 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Put us to the test













How much could you save?
People who have used our services and switched to providers of their choice saved on average between 20% and 30%.
Put us to the test!

For existing policy holders:
Find out if you are getting the best you can.
It's a good idea to check that your insurance provider(s) is still offering a competitive price.
We can arrange the most competitive and affordable rates for you.
We will ensure that you are not disappointed.

New quotes:
We believe we can beat any quote.
Insurers have different risk profiles and options;
it is good to check whether you can get a better offer from another insurer.
You can find the most affordable car insurance saving thousands every year.








From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 17 October 2011
To: Smartsurance
Subject: Put us to the test


Dear SmartSurance

Thanks for this all-too-enticing insurance sales pitch. It is ironic that you ask me “how much could you save?”

Now, as a lover of good insurance as well as saving as many shekels that I can possibly muster - My family and I must still be able to survive right?

As it is, we’re already saving loads by washing our toilet paper, grating our rice etc. Sometimes, I even go Number 2 on our front lawn so that thieves will think we have big aggressive dogs, and be deterred…

I have a very large “Book of Quotes” at home. It includes some insightful words from the likes of Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, and that crazy Oscar Wilde dude…

None of what they say in that book though relates to saving money or insurance though? I’m disturbed by this, because if it wasn’t a trending topic in their day, what are the odds of it being so today?

“Don’t quote me on that”, by the way! (Ha ha, a little bit of insurance jargon fun…)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I prefer asset insurance to life insurance….I recently acquired the late Dr Jack Kevorkian’s suicide machine on E-Bay, tweaked a few settings, and “killed” myself for 24hrs so that I could see what money my next of kin would get. Let me tell you, they almost screwed me…Luckily that stupid machine auto-revived me at the programmed point and I was able to stalk out of the mortuary straight to those scum at “Live To Die!”….

Anyway, please let me know on the asset insurance? And one last thing, taxidermy is a part time hobby of mine….would you cover 2 stuffed male buffalo, and one dwarf albino sea-horse?

Regards

Allen

Is your company's data disaster-proof?

From: Big Promotions
Sent: 04 October 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Is your company's data disaster-proof?










Hi Colleague,

Many companies and organizations have some kind of backup plan for their files. The question is, does yours? Even if you currently back up data to a server, an external hard drive, or tape, your data may be at risk in the event of disaster unless it's safely and securely stored off-site.

That's where Vault-IT can help. We wanted to introduce you briefly to a few facts about us that you may want to consider in light of your current backup plan:
• We know data. Vault-IT manages petabytes of data for many customers from homes and businesses.
• Your data is safe with Vault-IT. Our world-class data centers use military-grade encryption.
• Businesses of all sizes trust Vault-IT. We serve Corporate Companies to small businesses, non-profits, and everything else in between.
• Vault-IT is simple to use, secure, and affordable and little management required. Vault-IT includes 24/7 support

See the attached PDF to learn more about Vault-IT online backup for business. We'd like to answer any questions you have about our service or backup in general. Just email bigpromotions@fantasticpromotions.kr with your contact info and one or our consultants will contact you.

Be safe!
The Vault-IT Team




Please note:
All Prices are Inclusive of VAT .
Terms of sale are direct deposit or Electronic funds transfer (EFT). Strictly no cheques

Disclaimer Note:
Everything in this email and any attachments relating to the official business of http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ is proprietary to http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ . It is for the eyes of the recipient, legally privileged and protected by law. The person addressed in the email is the sole authorised recipient. Please notify the sender immediately if it has unintentionally reached you and do not read, disclose or use the content in any way. http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ cannot ensure that the integrity of this communication has been maintained nor that it has no errors, interception or interference.

THIS MAIL WAS SENT TO allen johnson

TO UNSUBSCRIBE Click Bellow
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Please do not add anything to the subject line!


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 05 October 2011
To: bigpromotions
Subject: Fwd: FW: Is your company's data disaster-proof?

To whom it may concern

You have managed to engage my attention entirely with your dynamic diagram,this picture is not worth 1000 words, it is worth at least, the very least, 1046 words!

Especially the subtle way you have masculated the “back-up server”. It looks like the champion of 1999’s “Robot Wars”!

“Back-up” is an essential component of daily life, I recall being about 11 years old and my friend and I used to play “TJ Hooker” in the back yard, I was TJ and he was Romano (on account of him having the darker hair), and I would radio him, calling for “back-up” because two thugs were hailing bullets down on me whilst I was crouched down behind my trusty Ford Pinto police cruiser…

Anyway, this all looks awesome – I fully endorse ‘Vault-It’ for my Data back up!

p.s. I especially like the way you refer to me as ‘colleague’, and how you speak of ‘military grade encryption’ – feels like an episode of “Fringe”!

I have designed a (somewhat crude) logo that perhaps you can make use of for the “Data Vault It” system, you have already gathered that I am a fan of images over words in my first sentence, so have a look and let me know what you reckon!!

Regards “Colleague”!


Allen
























p.s. I noticed where you’ve written “TO UNSUBSCRIBE Click Bellow”, that there is no image of a ‘bellow’ to link to, I have taken the liberty of throwing one in for you! No need to thank me colleague! Ungratefulness is ‘bellow’ my dignity!

From: pj [mailto:info@________]
Sent: 16 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Flexisnake unblocks your drains due to an excess of hairs in most household drains.

Believe it or not flexidrain does the plumbers work time and again for R69.00.... what a relief.

Keep this wonderful tool handy in your house and unblock your drains easily.You will be amazed. Save on expensive plumbers.

A small flexible wire with velcro at the end. Click here to buy this amazing product ____________





















click to contact _____________.co.za only R69.00

to unsubscribe click here Unsubscribe me from this list
________________________________________
Powered by REM



From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 16 September 2011

To: info@_____________

Subject: Fwd: FW: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Dear PJ

This is nothing short of phenomenal!

I am a work-from-home guy who owns a large cattery. I have approximately 234 cats that I am responsible for, boarding them and so forth when their owners go on holiday etc.

The problem is, they require very regular grooming in terms of shampooing them, brushing them etc, and what with summer practically upon us, this issue is getting progressively worse.

Here’s my dilemma, I have 2 large zinc wash basins where Felix and I wash at least 40cats each per day. I know what you’re thinking…Felix is a cat’s name too, what a coincidence!Felix suffers terribly though from chronic rhinitis and is actually allergic to cats, come to think of it – he also actually hates them…

I have no idea why I hired him really, you truly can believe that old adage of cats having nine lives though! Otherwise Felix would’ve snuffed them all out by now…

Now, I had an idea and being something of an inventive person myself, I have sort of ‘borrowed’ your idea – don’t worry about your patent though, because despite my design modelled on ,and being 98% identical to yours, it’s intended function is completely and utterly different.

Get ready for….The Fur Foe”.

This baby will completely negate the need for your product altogether since in my business, the majority of clogged hair in drains comes from spat – up hairballs that get lodged in the cats’ throats.

So, all one needs to do is get the cat into the “kitty harness” and then gently “plunge” the cat’s throat with the Fur Foe and equally gently withdraw it and et voila! You have the hairy culprit, ready for extrication!
I have now begun mass production on these babies and should have 100 or so ready by month – end.

Obviously, if people buying them don’t have cats, they can use the Fur Foe simply for clearing out domestic drains….
What do you think PJ?

I see right at the bottom of your mail that your subscription server is powered by REM, my favourite song by them is “The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight” – especially the lyric :

“The cat in the hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way
Always had a smile and a reason to pretend
But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream
The sidewinder sleeps on his back”



















Regards

Allen

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club

From: Randpark Club
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club









Greetings from Randpark Club Thursday, 15 September 2011

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club - Charity Music Concert
Sunday - 2 October will see the usually quiet and serene Randpark Golf Club turn into a hive of activity as the Club hosts “Paige of Tunes”, a picnic-style music concert, in aid for cerebral palsy.

The Concert will take place in front of the Randpark Clubhouse and Fairway Hotel on the 18th fairway and starts at 12h00, wrapping up around 18h30.

Tickets are for sale from Computicket at R175pp – great value for money considering the fantastic line up which includes stars such as Dozi, Heinz Winkler, Lianie May, Louise Carver, Emmanuel Castis, Evolver One, Beverley Jayne and Roland Albertson. Click here to buy tickets.

Kids under 12 enter for free and parents can send them off to the 9th fairway which will have jumping castles, plastic jungle gyms and other kids equipment to keep them happily occupied.

Additional hot food, drinks and other beverages will be for sale from the Clubhouse on the day.

Alternatively, Sunday buffet lunch in Balata Restaurant at the 5-star Fairway Hotel is available at R295 per person, which includes your ticket to the music concert. Kids under 12 eat for free.

The Vista Deck at the Fairway Hotel is still up for grabs if Corporates want to entertain their guests in absolute style. 50% of the proceeds of the venue hire will be donated to The Paige Project.

Ever fancied owning your own bunker? Now is your chance to “Buy a bunker” on the Randpark Golf Course in aid of charity.

Create your own personalised bunker by delivering your camping chairs, gazebo’s and branding to the Club the day before and they will do the rest. Tilani Edwards is ready to assist with your inquiries.


If you would like to receive more mails from Randpark Club on a quarterly basis - click here.


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: dougbain@___________
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club


Dear Doug

As much as I’d like to, I cannot accept this invitation to Randpark Club on account my having been banned from every golf-club in South Africa…

Just a little incident that happened at Leopard Creek last December involving myself, an old school friend, 2 bottles of Jose Cuervo, a ‘stolen’ golf-cart and believe it or not, an actual leopard….it’s a very long story which I haven’t yet completely gotten over yet due to Brian (my friend) still under-going treatment for Ailurophobia (the fear of cats)…

Thus, I will try and enjoy the Paige of Tunes Charity Music Gig from my inbox instead, what is the link please for me to skype in?
Wood (a little golf joke…) you perhaps be able to pay a caddie on my behalf to carry a laptop around with one of the players so that I can at least share in the moment?

Not sure if you have any celebs playing there, maybe Lianie May can then have “me” on her lap front row when Dozi starts his set?

But she must sit near the back rows, Dozi drinks a lot of Sambuca (to numb his ears from his own voice I presume) and also has a terrible habit of spitting when he sings.

Anyway, let me know on that, then, another thing – this “buy a bunker” pitch, are these for like, underground/nuclear fall-out bunkers?

Randpark is nowhere near Kabul, nor even Chernobyl as far as I know, but I could be wrong…fortunately the golf club’s strict dress code would like prevent any potential Al Qaeda insurgents from spoiling the day.






















Please come back to me Doug.

Regards

Allen

From: MOSSELBAY
Sent: 26 August 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !



Mosselbay is Great.


Come See the Point!












IF you are thinking of retiring, starting a new business or finding a better quality of life for your family give Mosselbay your attention for a few minutes. Ask us for all the information you could need about infrastructure, healthcare, schools, business opportunities, accomm-odation and more.

AS multiple Town-of-the-Year laureate and one of SA's premier year round vacation destinations Mosselbay offers great climate, great services and great lifestyle opportunities.

Plus you dont have to be a millionaire to enjoy them.

ONLY two hours from the P.W.V .by Kulula, Onetime or SAA, three hours by road from both PE and Cape Town and with the city of George on your doorstep you're never further from the business hurly burly than you'd like to be.

WANT to know more about what our Town can offer YOU?

KEEP receiving our mail once a month and learn about accommo-dation, dining, adventure and other exciting incentives, discounts and funstuff for your trial visit.
Mail: mosselbay@mailwave.co.za

This is a public service information notice donated to the Town of Mosselbay by Mailwave. Please refer any complaints or enquiries to the above address. Or simply unsubscribe below.

"Come See the Point!" Key links
Our Town
Our Business
Our Schools





I am not interested in any more information. Please unsubscribe me.




Problems with this mail? Contact support@__________




From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 26 August 2011

To: mosselbay@________

Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !

Dear Mosselbay

I have been keeping an eye on your idyllic shores for sometime now and am interested in procuring some seaside property.

Not too close to the ocean though, I have a chronic phobia of sudden rising tides, just like that song by Blondie – whenever I hear Debbie Harry’s voice I reflexively inflate the life – vest that I wear 24 hours a day.
We all have our little compulsions…

But I also don’t want to be too far away from the shoreline, you see – I enjoy angling but get tremendously sea-sick when I go out onto water, in fact I regularly vomit on myself even when taking a simple bath and believe me, trying to clean half-digested chicken nuggets between the grooves of my life vest is extremely difficult.

Anyway, I’m not a “traditional” fisherman, in fact I like to harpoon whales and would thus like to have a double-storey property near the ocean from which I can spear those big boys with my home-made harpoon rig. (I call it the “Herman Melville”)

It’s propulsion system is nuclear powered, I found 4kg of plutonium one day while searching for sea-shells in East London and promptly stuffed it down the front of my Speedo, it’s hard to sleep at night now as my crotch glows an eerie green…must have been something I ate.

Anyway, do you have something in that line? Oh, I hope there aren’t submarines patrolling the waters there – I used my harpoon once off the Persian Gulf and speared a U-Boat accidentally, nobody was killed although and the occupants were drenched, my harpoon had also penetrated the ocean floor so deep, that I struck oil.

I shared most of it with the submarine guys, and they’ve since bought a 10 – man submarine, with an en suite bathroom.
Win-win if you ask me…
Let me know will you?

BANZAI!!!!!




















Regards

Allen

Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min

From: Worldchat
Sent: 04 July 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min













Yes! Now you can use your Smartphone to chat to your loved ones or business contacts overseas at really affordable prices!
Features & Benefits:
• Portable & available anywhere that you can get good internet access on your phone.
• Can also be used in WiFi hot spots or your home or office Wifi
• Works on either Android or Iphone
• Works on 3G/HSDPA or Wireless
• Easy to use: No need to enter your pin number each time you want to make a call. Just open the app, and dial the number you wish to call directly (in international format).
Click here to get connected now!

Where can you purchase Worldchat airtime?
• Buy airtime online now
• Independent stockists which can be located on our website.
• Checkers & Checkers Hyper Nationwide
• Selected Spar stores




More features will come later, including the ability to use your PC instead of a smartphone.



Blackberry also coming soon.....
Got Questions?
Email:_____________




From: Allen Johnson
Date: Tue, Jul 5, 2011
Subject:Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min
To: info@___________


To whom it may concern

I have always been inspired by the great inventors of our generation, and in particular the revolution of communication in the 21st century.

But I believe in tangible communication means, these “wireless networks” and “wi-fi” and “Bluetooth” enabled devices are so superficial and I believe consumers feel at least some element of “buyer’s remorse” when they purchase such “data” packages.

Besides, I asked a so-called “smart-phone” where I’d put my dentures yesterday and it had no idea – I am still on leek soup until I find them…

Anyway, I have over the last 20 years, built an under-sea hollow cable network from South Africa all the way to Washington DC, with a separate talk-pipe that goes right to the White House.

So, unlike your pitch of contacting “friends and relatives over-seas”, I balk at your proposal and say, “contact your friends and relatives UNDER-seas!”

And, instead of patrons buying air-time, my customers buy “wet time”.

Now, you may be interested to find out how I achieved this remarkable feat, well I could tell you but….I’ve basically forgotten…my physician tells me I’ve had more “bends” than Mercedes, building “that darned contraption”.

Anyway, the final pipe welding was completed in 2002 and I now have a 50cm diameter, 13 000km long communication pipe lying at the bottom of the ocean.

Like the Russians in WWII, I also employed the services of animals to run down the length of pipes with written messages tied to little bags around their “provision bags” (which contained food and water for their arduous journey…)

I tested a series of animals for their speed,slenderness (pipe-fit criticality) and brain function (for when the “bends” struck).

2 animals came up trumps, the ferret, and the skunk. So, I sent the ferret in first and he got to DC after a year or so and he had somehow become fluent in whale….

Tragically though, “Popeye” died half-way trying to come back….my pipe-line was now blocked.

So….I sent the skunk down to clear the corpse (it is a little known fact that skunks feed on dead ferrets – it’s true, Bear Grylls wrote about it….)

I sent “Pepe” down on his perilous mission along with a stolen medical doctor’s beeper which I used to try to trace his movement with my trusty sea – microphone.

The real problem then started when it was evident that Popeye wasn’t dead at all, but had in fact been playing “possum” all this time, a further revelation revealed to me that he had also in fact actually BEEN a possum all this time!

Awkward…. What happened next was just awful, Popeye bit Pepe right in the rump and in doing so, ruptured his “stink gland”…under approximately 3 million metric tonnes of water pressure, that stench pretty much zip-lined to DC, and…the White House.

George W Bush had to be rushed to the emergency room, the CIA covered up the whole embarrassing incident citing attempted Taliban anthrax attacks…

I have since made the “Most Wanted” list in the USA for all the wrong reasons…

I just wanted to share my pioneering story with you, no pain no gain.

By the way, Bear says skunks are edible, you just gotta avoid their stink glands….





















Regards

Allen

Join Body and Mind

From: Body and Mind
Sent: 30 June 2011 10:46
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.




















MEDITATION CD by MARGI MCAPLINE

Margi McAlpine of Angel Connection is delighted to announce the release of her first meditation CD. It is important that our Chakras are balanced, spinning at the right speed and aligned. As we raise our vibrations, we need to work with our Chakras as this will assist with raising our vibrations to higher dimensions thereby accelerating our self- development and Ascension. Use these guided meditations on a regular basis to assist you in balancing and aligning your chakras. When your chakras are aligned and balanced you will be able to function at an optimal level in your everyday life.
The CD includes two guided meditations. / To read more about Margi Click here..




TRUST YOUR VIBES ORACLE CARDS by SONIA CHOQUETTE

This powerful card deck by vibrational healer and revolutionary teacher Sonia Choquette is designed to activate your psychic voice and show you how to live the six-sensory life. Each of the 52 cards in this deck is a creative tool for using your psychic muscles. These cards will give you access to your Divine support system and deepen your connection to God, your Higher Self, and spirit helpers from the Other Side.

Use the card deck and accompanying guidebook daily, and you'll learn to trust your vibes and experience the ease and flow of six-sensory living.

10 STEPS TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE by EVE A. WOOD

Psychiatrist, professor, and award-winning author Eve Wood trusts in your capacity to heal - to clear the way to a natural state of hope, harmony, and well-being. The insights and tools she shares in this book will enable you to identify and resolve your issues. Dr.Christiane Northrup says this book is “one of the best books I’ve ever seen on how to achieve emotional balance and happiness. It’s practical, real world and very readable. Dr. Wood is my kind of doctor.”

THE END OF KARMA by DHARMA SINGH KHALSA

The End of Karma is written for anyone ready to take a quantum leap in their spiritual growth. Practical, uncomplicated, and masterful, this precious little gem of a book transports you effortlessly into the realm of spirit and soul. By reading only one chapter a day of its lovely poetic verse and then reflecting on it, you’ll move from travelling on the all-too-often bumpy highway of fate to the smooth royal road of your ultimate destiny: always living in tune with your Higher power, the God within you. Spirituality has become too complicated. It’s been made far too philosophical and intellectual. In reality, God is within you; and you have the right to experience that peace, happiness, and joy while living on earth in the here-and-now, regardless of your circumstances in life. The End of Karma will awaken that truth within you. Remove the mystery from your life. Discover and live your dharma, and start ending your karma today.

PATHWAYS OF THE SUN by DEAN LIPRINI

Pathways of the Sun is a compilation of more than 17 years of Dean Liprini’s research of the Sacred Sites of the Ancients at the Southern Tip of Africa, where the Two Great Primal Oceans of the Atlantic and Indian Waters Unite. Here he has found and unveils an extensive network of Sacred Stones, Springs and and Ancient Burial Caves, woven together across more than 700 km to form a “Light Grid” an Ancient Celestial calendar, defined by the cardinal directions of the Sunrise and Sunset of the Summer and Winter Solstices and the Equinoxes and a lot more......Dean has explored not only the various physical Academic Sciences, Archaeology, Astronomy, Geology, Geography and History... but also the Sacred Geometries, Spiritual and Metaphysical Healing aspects Enshrined within these Sacred Sites. A most fascinating and beautifully illustrated book filled with Great Spirit, mystery and wander.

IPOD SHUFFLE by BODY AND MIND

The iPod Shuffle is a digital audio player designed and marketed by Apple Inc. It is the smallest model in Apple's iPod family, and was the first to use flash memory. iPod Shuffle weighs 22 g and was designed to be easily loaded with a selection of songs and to play them in random order.

AURORA HEALING CENTRE WEEKEND AWAY by AURELIA

Aurelia from Aurora Healing Centre in KZN will be offering a 2 night stay at the Aurora Healing Centre. Aurora is situated in Melville/Banana Beach on the lower south coast of KwaZulu-Natal. It is a year-round holiday destination, suitable for those seeking a quiet place to relax and unwind. This little known area is free from traffic congestion and bustling crowds, about an hour's drive from Durban, 12km before Port Shepstone and 20km from Shelly Beach. To read more about Aurora click here..

Subscribe to our mailing list and be entered in to our competition!!
To enter and to join our mailing list click here.

Look forward to hearing from you!!
Warm Regards,
Body and Mind
www.bodyandmind.co.za


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 04 July 2011 1
To: info@bodyandmind.co.za
Subject: Fwd:Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.


Dear Body&Mind

Your invitation to have me “join your mailing list” would suggest you already HAVE me on your mailing list.

However, I have read through this whilst doing vertical push-ups on my own chakra sticks and I’m afraid that in so doing, I’d forgotten about the hot stones that were precariously balanced on my back, which have now slid down the crevice of my buttocks forcing me to self-hypnotize myself instantly for the pain…so here I stand, intermittently replying to your email with one hand whilst balancing on ONE chakra stick…all the while chanting the pain – numbing mantra of the South Tibetan Boys Choir “uchra – machra, uchra – machra…”


I have read all of your advertised books already, I have even read “The Eleven Steps to Take Charge Of Your Emotional Life” v.s. your “ Ten Steps…” the 11th step being to remember to cry as loudly as you can for exactly 41 minutes (without bursting a blood vessel in your medulla oblongata).


I had once mistakenly ordered a book from Amazon thinking it was “The End Of Karma” as advertised on your list below, but they messed up and sent me Boy George’s biography about the break-up of Culture Club, entitled “The End Of Karma Chameleon”.


I quickly had to suppress feelings of rage, but quickly initiated self-flagellation (where you whip your own back until you bleed, a penance of sorts – you like Dan Brown books probably, or look it up – whatever…) Although that day, I forgot I had acupuncture pins in my back and thus resembled an enlightened pin-cushion by day’s end.


Anyway, I’m still new at this all and should be ok once I’ve conquered Everest with only a sleeping bag and a Mars bar next month. I will send photos!















Jhe Yong!

Allen