Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available

From: Susie Wood
Sent: 15 November 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available













Have you ever considered a career as a private financial trader?
Did you know that many private financial traders take home R500,000 to R10m per annum - with some traders starting with less than R15,000 in their trading accounts?

Knowledge to Action has rapidly become the world's number one trader coaching company, sky rocketing to success under the expertise of founder and multimillionaire Greg Secker and after a successful launch in Australia has now arrived in South Africa.

Here are the 3 key reasons why you should do it too:
1. You only need a laptop, internet connection, some relatively inexpensive software and professional training to get started
2. You can trade from anywhere in the world at any time that suits you
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Knowledge to Action is the World's largest trader coaching company (and Sunday Times FastTrack 100 Finalist) and is running free workshops to show you how you can get started - regardless as to whether you choose to trade full-time or part-time as a positive addition to your income.

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Disclaimer: Our Seminars are purely educational in nature. We do not advise upon or tip any trades shown in any seminar. All trades demonstrated whilst on Knowledge to Action's courses are for educational and illustration purposes only. These products are not suitable for all investors. Please make sure you understand the risks involved.

© 2011 Knowledge To Action Ltd.

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 November 2011
To: Susie Wood
Subject: Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available


Dear Susie

I HAVE considered a career as a private financial trader…it was around the same time I was attempting to wrap shooting of my re-make of “Gorillas In The Mist” down in the estuaries of the KZN north coast.

Budget constraints and a 5 year air-travel interdict against me, prevented me from shooting in Tanzania as originally planned…anyway, the ‘domesticated’ zoo gorilla that I had ‘borrowed’ went postal and bit my knee-cap off during filming one day and my camera man had to subdue it with my vintage Betamax video camera which obviously got totalled in the process…

To this day, I cannot eat Cadbury’s chocolate because of that advert where the gorilla plays drums during Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”….

So…I have a laptop, I have internet connection and I already have some ‘relatively inexpensive’ software…mostly file-sharing stuff and obviously my ‘knee-cap-itulation’ scene which I put on YouTube (It’s been 5 years and I’ve already had 79 hits!)

I googled Greg Secker and the word ‘scam’ came up about 356,000,657 times. I double checked to see that I hadn’t typed in ‘Greg Sucker’ by accident, but no – it’s Greg Secker alright.

So, I don’t think I’ll be seckered in this time around….just off the topic though, which beach is this in your photo below? Are all those people busy doing on-line trading?

They had better watch out for sand in their keyboards, and worse still….sea-monkeys….because if you are rational about it, where there are sea-monkeys, there are also probably sea-gorillas…

























Regards

Allen

Improve fuel, improve power

From: Francois
Sent: 01 November 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: improve fuel improve power



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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 04 November 2011
To: Francois
Subject: RE: improve fuel improve power

Dear Francois

In these troubled economic times, it is good that people are looking to save money in their daily activities….little things, like eating beetle grubs, washing your toilet paper and wearing patch-work quilts…

I scour the news headlines every day and I have medically diagnosed fits of depression when I see the headlines that mire our world today. Not least of which the global weather disasters we are experiencing…

Which prompts me to ask you why you decided on calling this contraption a “Cyclone” fuel saver?

Cyclones, by their very definition cause whorls of whirlpool – like destruction to anything they encounter, so this was a bad faux pas on your part…sort of like Mc Donalds naming their Big Mac “Cardiovascular Implosion”…

This was definitely not clear thinking, I believe you should have gone the alliteration route for this, like “Fantastic Fuel Funnel”, or “ Powerhouse Petrol Peripheral” or even “Dynamic Diesel Device”.

Consumers warm to these sorts of names, not tornadoes and pestilence and the like….

I enjoyed your testimonials from Pretoria, Noordheuwel and Walvisbaai, except – these should have come from one person, who had travelled through all of these places on ONE TANK OF FUEL!

Maybe that Sales Director (who would have rapport and probably be educated and have lots of unit trusts and insurance against cyclones etc) would be best….


Anyway! These are just my opinions. Hope you can make use of these insights.

Best of luck and go well, with Shell…or Engen or whatever…..





















Regards

Allen

Put us to the test

From: Smartsurance
Sent: 20 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Put us to the test













How much could you save?
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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 17 October 2011
To: Smartsurance
Subject: Put us to the test


Dear SmartSurance

Thanks for this all-too-enticing insurance sales pitch. It is ironic that you ask me “how much could you save?”

Now, as a lover of good insurance as well as saving as many shekels that I can possibly muster - My family and I must still be able to survive right?

As it is, we’re already saving loads by washing our toilet paper, grating our rice etc. Sometimes, I even go Number 2 on our front lawn so that thieves will think we have big aggressive dogs, and be deterred…

I have a very large “Book of Quotes” at home. It includes some insightful words from the likes of Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, and that crazy Oscar Wilde dude…

None of what they say in that book though relates to saving money or insurance though? I’m disturbed by this, because if it wasn’t a trending topic in their day, what are the odds of it being so today?

“Don’t quote me on that”, by the way! (Ha ha, a little bit of insurance jargon fun…)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I prefer asset insurance to life insurance….I recently acquired the late Dr Jack Kevorkian’s suicide machine on E-Bay, tweaked a few settings, and “killed” myself for 24hrs so that I could see what money my next of kin would get. Let me tell you, they almost screwed me…Luckily that stupid machine auto-revived me at the programmed point and I was able to stalk out of the mortuary straight to those scum at “Live To Die!”….

Anyway, please let me know on the asset insurance? And one last thing, taxidermy is a part time hobby of mine….would you cover 2 stuffed male buffalo, and one dwarf albino sea-horse?

Regards

Allen

Is your company's data disaster-proof?

From: Big Promotions
Sent: 04 October 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Is your company's data disaster-proof?










Hi Colleague,

Many companies and organizations have some kind of backup plan for their files. The question is, does yours? Even if you currently back up data to a server, an external hard drive, or tape, your data may be at risk in the event of disaster unless it's safely and securely stored off-site.

That's where Vault-IT can help. We wanted to introduce you briefly to a few facts about us that you may want to consider in light of your current backup plan:
• We know data. Vault-IT manages petabytes of data for many customers from homes and businesses.
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• Businesses of all sizes trust Vault-IT. We serve Corporate Companies to small businesses, non-profits, and everything else in between.
• Vault-IT is simple to use, secure, and affordable and little management required. Vault-IT includes 24/7 support

See the attached PDF to learn more about Vault-IT online backup for business. We'd like to answer any questions you have about our service or backup in general. Just email bigpromotions@fantasticpromotions.kr with your contact info and one or our consultants will contact you.

Be safe!
The Vault-IT Team




Please note:
All Prices are Inclusive of VAT .
Terms of sale are direct deposit or Electronic funds transfer (EFT). Strictly no cheques

Disclaimer Note:
Everything in this email and any attachments relating to the official business of http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ is proprietary to http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ . It is for the eyes of the recipient, legally privileged and protected by law. The person addressed in the email is the sole authorised recipient. Please notify the sender immediately if it has unintentionally reached you and do not read, disclose or use the content in any way. http://www.bigpromotions.co.za/ cannot ensure that the integrity of this communication has been maintained nor that it has no errors, interception or interference.

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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 05 October 2011
To: bigpromotions
Subject: Fwd: FW: Is your company's data disaster-proof?

To whom it may concern

You have managed to engage my attention entirely with your dynamic diagram,this picture is not worth 1000 words, it is worth at least, the very least, 1046 words!

Especially the subtle way you have masculated the “back-up server”. It looks like the champion of 1999’s “Robot Wars”!

“Back-up” is an essential component of daily life, I recall being about 11 years old and my friend and I used to play “TJ Hooker” in the back yard, I was TJ and he was Romano (on account of him having the darker hair), and I would radio him, calling for “back-up” because two thugs were hailing bullets down on me whilst I was crouched down behind my trusty Ford Pinto police cruiser…

Anyway, this all looks awesome – I fully endorse ‘Vault-It’ for my Data back up!

p.s. I especially like the way you refer to me as ‘colleague’, and how you speak of ‘military grade encryption’ – feels like an episode of “Fringe”!

I have designed a (somewhat crude) logo that perhaps you can make use of for the “Data Vault It” system, you have already gathered that I am a fan of images over words in my first sentence, so have a look and let me know what you reckon!!

Regards “Colleague”!


Allen
























p.s. I noticed where you’ve written “TO UNSUBSCRIBE Click Bellow”, that there is no image of a ‘bellow’ to link to, I have taken the liberty of throwing one in for you! No need to thank me colleague! Ungratefulness is ‘bellow’ my dignity!

From: pj [mailto:info@________]
Sent: 16 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Flexisnake unblocks your drains due to an excess of hairs in most household drains.

Believe it or not flexidrain does the plumbers work time and again for R69.00.... what a relief.

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From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 16 September 2011

To: info@_____________

Subject: Fwd: FW: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Dear PJ

This is nothing short of phenomenal!

I am a work-from-home guy who owns a large cattery. I have approximately 234 cats that I am responsible for, boarding them and so forth when their owners go on holiday etc.

The problem is, they require very regular grooming in terms of shampooing them, brushing them etc, and what with summer practically upon us, this issue is getting progressively worse.

Here’s my dilemma, I have 2 large zinc wash basins where Felix and I wash at least 40cats each per day. I know what you’re thinking…Felix is a cat’s name too, what a coincidence!Felix suffers terribly though from chronic rhinitis and is actually allergic to cats, come to think of it – he also actually hates them…

I have no idea why I hired him really, you truly can believe that old adage of cats having nine lives though! Otherwise Felix would’ve snuffed them all out by now…

Now, I had an idea and being something of an inventive person myself, I have sort of ‘borrowed’ your idea – don’t worry about your patent though, because despite my design modelled on ,and being 98% identical to yours, it’s intended function is completely and utterly different.

Get ready for….The Fur Foe”.

This baby will completely negate the need for your product altogether since in my business, the majority of clogged hair in drains comes from spat – up hairballs that get lodged in the cats’ throats.

So, all one needs to do is get the cat into the “kitty harness” and then gently “plunge” the cat’s throat with the Fur Foe and equally gently withdraw it and et voila! You have the hairy culprit, ready for extrication!
I have now begun mass production on these babies and should have 100 or so ready by month – end.

Obviously, if people buying them don’t have cats, they can use the Fur Foe simply for clearing out domestic drains….
What do you think PJ?

I see right at the bottom of your mail that your subscription server is powered by REM, my favourite song by them is “The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight” – especially the lyric :

“The cat in the hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way
Always had a smile and a reason to pretend
But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream
The sidewinder sleeps on his back”



















Regards

Allen

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club

From: Randpark Club
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club









Greetings from Randpark Club Thursday, 15 September 2011

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club - Charity Music Concert
Sunday - 2 October will see the usually quiet and serene Randpark Golf Club turn into a hive of activity as the Club hosts “Paige of Tunes”, a picnic-style music concert, in aid for cerebral palsy.

The Concert will take place in front of the Randpark Clubhouse and Fairway Hotel on the 18th fairway and starts at 12h00, wrapping up around 18h30.

Tickets are for sale from Computicket at R175pp – great value for money considering the fantastic line up which includes stars such as Dozi, Heinz Winkler, Lianie May, Louise Carver, Emmanuel Castis, Evolver One, Beverley Jayne and Roland Albertson. Click here to buy tickets.

Kids under 12 enter for free and parents can send them off to the 9th fairway which will have jumping castles, plastic jungle gyms and other kids equipment to keep them happily occupied.

Additional hot food, drinks and other beverages will be for sale from the Clubhouse on the day.

Alternatively, Sunday buffet lunch in Balata Restaurant at the 5-star Fairway Hotel is available at R295 per person, which includes your ticket to the music concert. Kids under 12 eat for free.

The Vista Deck at the Fairway Hotel is still up for grabs if Corporates want to entertain their guests in absolute style. 50% of the proceeds of the venue hire will be donated to The Paige Project.

Ever fancied owning your own bunker? Now is your chance to “Buy a bunker” on the Randpark Golf Course in aid of charity.

Create your own personalised bunker by delivering your camping chairs, gazebo’s and branding to the Club the day before and they will do the rest. Tilani Edwards is ready to assist with your inquiries.


If you would like to receive more mails from Randpark Club on a quarterly basis - click here.


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: dougbain@___________
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club


Dear Doug

As much as I’d like to, I cannot accept this invitation to Randpark Club on account my having been banned from every golf-club in South Africa…

Just a little incident that happened at Leopard Creek last December involving myself, an old school friend, 2 bottles of Jose Cuervo, a ‘stolen’ golf-cart and believe it or not, an actual leopard….it’s a very long story which I haven’t yet completely gotten over yet due to Brian (my friend) still under-going treatment for Ailurophobia (the fear of cats)…

Thus, I will try and enjoy the Paige of Tunes Charity Music Gig from my inbox instead, what is the link please for me to skype in?
Wood (a little golf joke…) you perhaps be able to pay a caddie on my behalf to carry a laptop around with one of the players so that I can at least share in the moment?

Not sure if you have any celebs playing there, maybe Lianie May can then have “me” on her lap front row when Dozi starts his set?

But she must sit near the back rows, Dozi drinks a lot of Sambuca (to numb his ears from his own voice I presume) and also has a terrible habit of spitting when he sings.

Anyway, let me know on that, then, another thing – this “buy a bunker” pitch, are these for like, underground/nuclear fall-out bunkers?

Randpark is nowhere near Kabul, nor even Chernobyl as far as I know, but I could be wrong…fortunately the golf club’s strict dress code would like prevent any potential Al Qaeda insurgents from spoiling the day.






















Please come back to me Doug.

Regards

Allen

From: MOSSELBAY
Sent: 26 August 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !



Mosselbay is Great.


Come See the Point!












IF you are thinking of retiring, starting a new business or finding a better quality of life for your family give Mosselbay your attention for a few minutes. Ask us for all the information you could need about infrastructure, healthcare, schools, business opportunities, accomm-odation and more.

AS multiple Town-of-the-Year laureate and one of SA's premier year round vacation destinations Mosselbay offers great climate, great services and great lifestyle opportunities.

Plus you dont have to be a millionaire to enjoy them.

ONLY two hours from the P.W.V .by Kulula, Onetime or SAA, three hours by road from both PE and Cape Town and with the city of George on your doorstep you're never further from the business hurly burly than you'd like to be.

WANT to know more about what our Town can offer YOU?

KEEP receiving our mail once a month and learn about accommo-dation, dining, adventure and other exciting incentives, discounts and funstuff for your trial visit.
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From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 26 August 2011

To: mosselbay@________

Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !

Dear Mosselbay

I have been keeping an eye on your idyllic shores for sometime now and am interested in procuring some seaside property.

Not too close to the ocean though, I have a chronic phobia of sudden rising tides, just like that song by Blondie – whenever I hear Debbie Harry’s voice I reflexively inflate the life – vest that I wear 24 hours a day.
We all have our little compulsions…

But I also don’t want to be too far away from the shoreline, you see – I enjoy angling but get tremendously sea-sick when I go out onto water, in fact I regularly vomit on myself even when taking a simple bath and believe me, trying to clean half-digested chicken nuggets between the grooves of my life vest is extremely difficult.

Anyway, I’m not a “traditional” fisherman, in fact I like to harpoon whales and would thus like to have a double-storey property near the ocean from which I can spear those big boys with my home-made harpoon rig. (I call it the “Herman Melville”)

It’s propulsion system is nuclear powered, I found 4kg of plutonium one day while searching for sea-shells in East London and promptly stuffed it down the front of my Speedo, it’s hard to sleep at night now as my crotch glows an eerie green…must have been something I ate.

Anyway, do you have something in that line? Oh, I hope there aren’t submarines patrolling the waters there – I used my harpoon once off the Persian Gulf and speared a U-Boat accidentally, nobody was killed although and the occupants were drenched, my harpoon had also penetrated the ocean floor so deep, that I struck oil.

I shared most of it with the submarine guys, and they’ve since bought a 10 – man submarine, with an en suite bathroom.
Win-win if you ask me…
Let me know will you?

BANZAI!!!!!




















Regards

Allen