Overpaying on your insurance?

From: Best cover
Sent: 30 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Overpaying on your insurance?




















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Overpaying on your insurance?
To: peter_________




Dear Peter


I WOULD love some discount on insurance please. I understand that FFW (“First For Women”) offers superb rates on insurance cover.


It is to this end that I have run the numbers in terms of potential savings (I am habitually in motor car accidents due to a heavy foot and well, because some people say I am “a raging alcoholic with substance abuse issues ranging from sniffing burning hamster fur and drinking litres of hand sanitizer…”) - But these are subjective opinions…


I digress…anyway, being “First For Women”, my one obstacle is fairly obvious…I am not a woman.


Despite years of so-called “Ethanol Inhalation Syndrome” which had supposedly rendered me impotent, the people at FFW STILL refuse to sign me up.
I am therefore going to have “gender removal” surgery to effectively render me androgynous.


My attorney says it’s a great loop-hole should “First For Men” ever come about, or hit absolute pay-dirt if an insurance company called “ Man-Lady Mad Buys” opens it’s doors to me, as I will effectively be their only member (no pun intended).

What is your view Peter?

Allen (soon to be Alice)

Go Beyond The Obvious

From: See What’s Possible
Sent: 24 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........













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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 June 2011
To: brad@_________
Subject: Fwd: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........


Hello Brad

Thanks for your mail, but I found it rather insensitive – especially your reference to “Go where nothing is beyond your reach”.

Brad, I underwent life-changing surgery when I was 15 years old. I was born without arms you see, and at 15 – my name was pulled out of a database for a revolutionary arm transplant operation.

My recovery went very well, but I came to notice with time some differences in my limb behaviour… I requested the donor information from the hospital and found out that my right arm had been donated by a 28 year old body-builder, and my left arm was donated by a very violent female kleptomaniac.

Now Brad, at the age of 15 it is very natural with the onset of puberty and raging hormones, and awareness of the opposite sex – that I began to have certain urges…

What should have been a ‘normal’ activity for a young boy behind a closed bedroom door with a racy publication soon became a nightmare from hell. Suffice to say, it was my right arm “Arnold” holding the magazine, and “Winona”, my left arm doing the legwork, so to speak…

I cannot elaborate as it is too traumatic…you have no clue what it is like to try out for the swimming team, only to rip circular whirlpools into the water and almost drown the entire polo team…

Nor would you know what it’s like when you’re touring a local live snake show in Thailand only to have your left hand try and stuff seventeen monocled cobras into your jacket pocket.

I just thought you should know that your e-mail has dredged up horrible memories for me…

I have since found my niche in life now being employed as an all-rounder county cricketer, I bowl the fastest deliveries known to man, and as a batsman – I can steal 3 singles when edging to the wicket-keeper.

Kind Regards

Allen

Introducing MyUniqueBid

From: MyUniqueBid
Sent: 16 May 2011 17:40
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Introducing MyUniqueBid

My Unique Bid is changing all the rules.
Instead of bidding a fortune for something, we want you to bid the lowest unique bid. Check out www.myuniquebid.co.za and register today!
By simply registering and referring as many friends as possible, you could win a 16gig ipad worth R5000. Get started here.

















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Fri, May 20, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Introducing MyUniqueBid
To: Introducing MyUniqueBid

Dear “Unique Bid”

I already have all these items, what else can you perhaps offer me? I have over the years, acquired a personal wish list of items that I always have wanted to get – and despite a plethora of visits to auctions around the world, I have always been dismayed not to have found them…

So, in light of your “Unique Bid” website, and the fact that E-Bay have a restraining order against me for sending them my wish list requests – please will you see whether you can line up one or more of the following for me:

• The Director’s Cut DVD of “Pakistani Nights – Unhoarding bin Laden’s Erotica: Now Un-Tali-banned”.
• Charlie Sheen’s ashtray.
• 3-D contact lenses.
• Clown shoes for my clown fish (he’s a size 000000.5) – he’s just learnt to trapeze into the wash basin…
• Ghost repellent spray
• A vinyl LP player that plays records backwards but that doesn’t reverse the way the words sound...I just love that ballad, “ Dead Are Friends My All”….























Please respond as soon as you can, I will get my E-bucks and coupons ready in anticipation!

Allen

Cricket Capers Part 1...

You may, or may not have heard Darren Scott’s “Rugby Panel” on 94.2 Jacaranda FM on the “Just Plain Breakfast” where you hear one guy that impersonates several voices with eerie similarity in a mock rugby panel that either previews, or reviews key rugby games. His repertoire includes Pieter de Villiers (P-Divvy); Hugh Bladen (“give us another whizza!”); Joel Stransky; and Nataniel…yes…Nataniel…

The sketch is no longer than 5 minutes or so and is tightly scripted and is sublimely executed which leaves all reeling with laughter.

Now…I figured I’d script a “Cricket Panel” sketch, just for fun and including players that have the misfortune of wearing the ear-piece on the pitch at the time…. Not sure I could pull the voices off, but this would be the long and short of it.

Here’s the scene….it’s a current World XI v.s. a “Heroes of the Past XI” and they’re playing a T20 in Chennai… this is part 1…





“Hello Chennai! And welcome to today’s massive encounter between the “World XI” and the “Heroes Past XI”! I have with me today’s captains, Shane Warne and Kamran Akmal. Kamran, you have the coin, please will you toss it and call it….”







‘What coin Ravi?....”







“Never mind…I’ll do it, you call it in the air…”








“Not guilty! I mean…tails....”










“Tails it is…what are you going to do Kamran?” You say you are going to have a bet?? Oh, it must be the crowd. Akmal has won the toss and has elected to bat!”









“ Aww yeah, the wicket oughtta hold up for 40 overs, I would’a done the same mate”…










“On this surface the power play will be vital, Danny – having been a hero of the past before, like me, you would favour the bouncy conditions out there?”







“Thenk you Kepler, yeah!! You just cahn’t take ANYTHING for grahnted on this sort of pitch, the girls are dancing, the fireworks are flying and Allen Stanford must be elated with the inclusion of Chris Gayle here today!”..



*hastily cut to ad break*












“We apologise for that loss of transmission to our viewers worldwide, Danny had a problem with his mic, back to you in the Supersport Studio Hays, we’ll return our viewers to the action very shortly!”…









“ Um yes, well uh…strange um.. I apologi….”










“ (hic*) wha? What? “..









Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………









“ROFLMAO!!”

What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

From: Ria
Sent: 22 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......


Dear Flight Fan
Imagine a Flight Simulator that offers "real life flying" with Accurate Worldwide Scenery based on Actual Military Mapping, over 20 000 of the World's Airports and over 80 different Aircraft!!
• Changeable weather
• Real life cockpits
• Night flying
• Flying over your own town
• Accurate Airport Approach Lighting
• Fly anything from a helicopter to Military Fighting Jets, to the Wrights' Brothers first plane
• Realistic 3D cockpit views
• Locate other pilots with Google Map Integration
• Lifetime updates and upgrades
Have you ever wanted to fly a plane or a helicopter but lacked the money or ability to do so?
Are you a real pilot looking to improve your skills without having to take off?
Do you want to try some dangerous manoeuvres without risking your life?
SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR... strap on your flying helmet, jump in the cockpit and get ready to take off by visiting www.myfreesimulator.com

The MegaBonus Team
PS See you on the runway!!
To Unsubscribe click here


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 23 March 2011
To: marketing@__________
Subject: RE: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

Hi Ria

Wow, this is an amazing opportunity, I am an avid collector of simulation experiences and unbeknownst to many of my friends, I hold the performance record on my first simulator purchase; “Steam Train Locomotive Coal Shoveller” – I shovelled 3.5 metric tons of coal in just 2 hours – a record by any measure!!

Upon achieving this milestone however, I had to take a shower simulator as I was covered head to toe, in simulated coal soot…

THIS prospect of yours , however has got me salivating like rabid pit-bull in a chicken sexing barn.

I ADORE the limitless bounds of the open skies and I am just totally taken with the various options and scenarios that you’ve offered that I can tailor for my personal flight experiences.

Just to be more specific, can you look into a personal request for me that has been a coveted fantasy of mine for the last 18 years of my life?

Here’s the “scene”; I am a renegade ex-Viet Nam fighter pilot that specialises in helicopters (like TC from Magnum PI) but I am sent on a TOP, TOP, TOP SECRET mission to the Playboy mansion to rescue all the playmates – but I want to fly this mission in that pink helicopter from “Riptide” – “Screaming Mimi” was her name……

THEN, as I am being directed to the “Bunny Pad” for landing by Hef himself, a BAD version of Airwolf (being piloted by Mickey Rourke and Muamar Ghadaffi) alights from nowhere firing heat-seeking Sidewinder missiles at me, I quickly take evasive action and deploy counter measures like sunbursts. My co-pilot (Charlie Sheen) then says, “Trolls at 9 o’clock! Deploying 30mm chainguns…FIRING!!! GOT HIM!! WINNING!!”

And then we land and smoke fine Cuban cigars and talk about the price of Moet champagne with Hef while the playmates wash my chopper.
















The End

What do you think?

Allen

The Auctioneer

From: Sent by Diydigireader on behalf of The Auctioneer
Sent: 11 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson -
Subject: The Auctioneer
















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Mon, Mar 14, 2011
Subject: Fwd: The Auctioneer
To: bookings@__________

To whom it may concern



At first glance, I thought this was an upcoming comic book hero movie update, I imagine someone like “The Auctioneer” would have really special powers – a flowing black cape and a magical wooden gavel with a really normal alias like Phil Mc Crevice…or maybe a wrestler that throws antiques at his opponent; “Take this silver serving dish in the midriff , Unwavering Refuses to Buy Anything Man!”



He might even have special psychic powers that could compel people to “do his bidding”… Unfortunately though, despite reading your mail, I am not “feeling the excitement grow as we move deeper into auction season”…which is when by the way?

Perhaps from March until autumn? When is the replenishing rutting season for auctioneer prey anyway, and are there daily restrictions on what you can haul in per Auctioneer?

I on the other hand, want to be a real noble hero when I grow up, like The Magenta Maniac pictured below (the fact that he’s snared Pale Paulina in the pic below is on account of the awesomeness of his under-arm deodorant)

Please let me know when the “Auction Season” starts so that I can start whittling sharp sticks for my Malay man-traps.























Regards

Allen

Insurance premiums that fit your budget

From: Topcarinsurances
Sent: 09 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Insurance premiums that fit your budget
















From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 10 March 2011
To: info@___________
Subject: RE: Insurance premiums that fit your budget

To whom it may concern

This is a fantastic offer, however I have a question – I do not believe in motorised transport as it is my conviction that it is an abomination of the devil. This is not a joke, I further believe that when people take photos of me, their camera steals a small part of my soul…

But I digress, I believe fore-warned, is fore-armed. Please see my vehicle attached below and since you’re willing to give me 3 free quotes, here’s 3 free ones of my own for you;

• If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
• We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people
• Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Incidentally, this is me and my family pictured in front of the “car” (which is short for carriage anyway…) This is not however a photo, it an etching I did with some charcoal and horse manure, a terrific compound that really brings out the colour of my braces don’t you agree?

















If you’d prefer, I can meet you at your corporate office? How many days’ full moons might it take to get to you from Wyoming? Digger (my trusty shire steed) is fully recovered from a bad bout of laryngitis, you should have heard him, he’s been very hoarse…

Let me know, I will await by the new-fangled internet machine for your speedy response.

Pa Allen