Laser Hair Removal Continued...

From: LaserExpress
Sent: 22 February 2011 09:57
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: FREE R500 Beauty Voucher for Laser Hair Removal...N1

If you send this mail on to ten people or call one of our clinics, we will give you a free laser hair removal treatment worth R500 absolutely free.

Come and experience a FREE Laser Hair removal treatment to the value of R500 at our Aesthetic Express branches in Gauteng.

Sandton ________
Eastgate _________
Menlyn ___________
Copy us in on this mail as well at _________________ so that we can verify that you have sent it to 10 people.
Or visit our South African site at aestheticsexpress
What is Laser Express?
Laser Express is an exclusive hair removal clinic that specialises in the removal of unwanted hair utilising Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) therapy. This type of treatment offers an effective, safe, and permanent solution to unwanted body hair.

Terms and conditions
New clients only
Click here to unsubscribe

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 25 February 2011
To: response3@____________
Subject: FW: FREE R500 Beauty Voucher for Laser Hair Removal...N1

Dear Response3

I have already taken advantage of this amazing, if somewhat painful, Laser Hair Removal treatment.

I unfortunately did not use your Aesthetic Express branch however as I am somewhat cash strapped and cannot afford the luxury of the “aesthetic” experience.

I had instead, cloned your technology and constructed a number of laser emitting devices (tailored to handle rampant hair growth all across the human body’s extremities). These are quite bulky and large and had to be built from scratch in my dad’s garage, which he doesn’t know about yet. When he hears the machine warm up, it sounds like a like a Bengal tiger getting a root canal done without anaesthetic… my dad reckons its just “that new heavy iron music kids listen to these days”…

Now, as with any newly-pioneered technology, it had to be tested first. My neighbour’s cat, Mr Silky, seemed the ideal candidate. So, last Tuesday, at midnight – I lured him into the garage with a tin of tuna and “sedated” him with a carefully weighted hammer blow to the head…


I strapped him in and applied the treatment, see below. An astonishing result you must agree!




Now it is time for the human trial, I will fire my laser at the calculated trajectory at a mirror and once and for all, purge body hair from my body forever, wish me luck! I will update you on the outcome!
























From: Simon Laser Express
Sent: 26 February 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R500

Please do, if it works would you consider selling your new found technology to us?

Regards
Simon




From: Allen Johnson - TZA
Sent: 28 February 2011
To: Simon Laser Express
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R500

Hi Simon

It’s not new found technology, as I mentioned, I just cloned some of your laser blueprint mechanisms. The rest was easy, except my units are powered by the sun and week-old goat’s cheese, which sort of smells like cauterised hair follicles anyway…

Despite the attempt at lasering myself via mirror refraction, I only managed to incinerate my dad’s boxed collection of Auto Trader magazines directly behind me.

Rather than risk myself again, given the obvious dangers, I posted ‘auditions’ for the therapy on Facebook, and last Wednesday got a ‘volunteer’ to step forward for the lasering. He kept asking about the free ice-cream I’d sort of guaranteed for everyone who’d show up, but sadly he never got the opportunity to enjoy it, as well, things went a little awry as you can see from below (damn, I hate it when people take camera phones everywhere they go)

Sorry about that one Brian… (in a very sad, ironic twist – Brian got fired from work the following day for scaring old ladies down at the pension office. He looked like a mummy you see as he’d been treated and wrapped up on account of the 3rd degree burns he suffered…) The little old ladies started weeping and shaking rather violently – luckily, the ice-cream I’d lured volunteers with were laced with crushed sleeping tablets, and I handed a few of these around with generous chocolate sauce so as to disguise their bitter taste.






So, apart from that minor setback, I’m happy to discuss a sale or even profit-share? Can we meet next week? I’ll bring the ice-cream and my lasers.

Allen

From: Simon Laser Express
Sent: 01 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R50

Rather leave the ice cream and your lasers at home for our 1st meet, I hate to be burnt or asleep whilst tying up the of my life!

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 03 March 2011
To: Simon Laser Express
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R50

Hi Simon

Are you asking me to meet you? It feels like we’ve shared so much already and I’m suddenly having butterflies at the prospect of our still - young relationship leading to a prosperous partnership and maybe even firm friendship!

I’m a Leo, what are you? I’m not superstitious or astrologically inclined as such but it is very important that you are not a Gemini, Gadaffi is a Gemini and he’s not at all coolio. (Wish my lasers could reach Tripoli, I’d give him an indoor sun-tan if you know what I mean…)

I am not sure why you mention that you “hate to be burnt or asleep” when we first meet, if you’re referring to that (slanderous) article about me on Google, I can tell you now that I had no idea that box of puppies was in the back the car when I left it the airport….they were fine when I got back from Senegal anyway (I was doing a laser workshop for that government, but got suspicious when their president proposed paying for them with some of his wives and a bottle of no-name wine…)

Also, what do you mean by saying “tying up the rest of my life”? I don’t mean to pry, everybody has “loose ends” and we all need to “tie these up” in order to have a life of any fruitful meaning. I suppose people are like onions, they must be peeled underwater to avoid crying eyes.

Don’t you agree? By the way, what should I wear for our first rendezvous? Should we go and see an action movie together (jeans/t-shirt), or should we meet at the water park (yellow speedos)?





Let me know!

Allen

Eddy wines - New wine releases

From: Izanne
Sent: 23 February 2011 12:47
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Eddy wines - New wine releases


Welcome to Eddy Wines

Our aim is to make selecting and purchasing wine, as convenient as possible for our clients. We have a fully functional on line shop and offer from good quality, affordable, unlabeled wines to Premium and exclusive Estate wines. We are able to deliver these wines to your door anywhere in South Africa as well as to Europe and the UK.

Unlabeled wines are becoming increasingly popular. It seems people have realized that it is the quality of the wine that is important rather than the label. We have built up good relationships with many wine estates in the Western Cape over the years and we have negotiated for quality wine at the best possible price.

Eddy wines

Eddy no. 1 Sauvignon Blanc 2010 / R29.00

A fresh, fruity Sauvignon Blanc. Pineapple and summer fruits on the nose. It has a fine focus on brilliant acidity. An explosion of typical Sauvignon Blanc fruits on the palate.

Eddy no. 2 Red Blend N/V / R27.00

A dry, medium-bodied smooth and fruity wine. Herbaceous and tarry aromas. Fruity with a soft and silky finish.
Eddy no.4 Semillon 2009 / R22.00 (Limited stock)

A fresh, zest wine. Tropical fruits with hints of rose petals on the nose. Grassy, Asparagus notes on the palate with a long-ish finish.

Eddy no. 5 Shiraz 2007 / R35.00

Deep ruby red colour. Intense fruit on the nose. Gripping tannins and a lingering aftertaste with mouthful of black fruit flavours.

Eddy no.7 Pearl "sparkling" rose (off dry) 2009 / R29.00
Fresh, crispy and very pleasant on the palate. The nose shows strawberries and rose petals. The perfect summer wine.

Eddy no.8 Cabernet Sauvignon 2009 / R29.00

A medium-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon. Leather and earthy tones on the nose. Plums and ripe fruits with rich spices on the palate. Dry finish!
Eddy no.9 Chardonnay 2009 / R30.00
A well balanced lightly wooded Chardonnay. Butterscotch with a lime undertone on the nose. A lively but smooth palate. A slight butter flavour balances out the acidity! Good fruit on the palate.
Eddy no.10 Merlot 2009 / R32.00
Deep red colour with black core. This wine is medium to full bodied with aromas of blackcurrants, chocolate and earth. The wine has rich, but exceptionally soft tannins and a long finish.


Minimum order of 12 bottles. Mixed cases are welcome.

To View our full selection of wine or to order please visit our website www.eddywines.com or contact us 021 863 2227

Personalised Labeling

Great for weddings, birthdays and corporate gifts. Send us your logo or a photo and let us design your own personalised label. There is NO production fee, and we place the labels on the bottles for you. We charge a set price of R7.00 per label.

Food and wine pairing

Our next food and wine pairing will be held on the 26th of February here in Paarl.

TIME: 11.00am

DATE: 26th February

PLACE: De Poort Heritage Village, Office 1 and 2, Turk Street, Paarl
Our pairings are free of charge. Please RSVP as we need to give our figures to the caterers.
We offer free private wine tastings in the Western Cape which we coordinate according to your specific needs
(minimum of 10 people)

Tips on wine serving temperatures:
Red Wine Serving Temperature
It is better to serve a red wine a little too cold than too warm. A warm red wine lets off too much of its alcohol content as flavour, and loses many of its characteristic aromas and flavours. Room temperatures will obviously vary depending on which season it is, so the suggested serving temperature is around 16C˚ to 18 C˚. Cabernet Sauvignon and Shiraz can be served slightly warmer. If your red wine has been stored at room temperature in summer time in South Africa, you’ll want to either put it in the fridge or into an ice bucket with ice and a bit of water for half an hour before serving.
White wine serving temperature
I know so many people that serve their white wine straight from the fridge. The problem is, white wine that is too chilled, like red wine, loses its characteristic aromas and flavours too. Take into consideration that the recommended serving temperature for a white wine is around 12C˚ to 14C˚ and the temperature inside a fridge is around 2C˚ to 4C˚. If your wine has been kept in the fridge you can take it out approximately 50 minutes before serving time. Wine will warm up by 2C˚ for every 10 minutes left outside the fridge and vice versa if you are trying to chill the wine in the fridge. Chardonnay can be served a little warmer than the above recommended serving temperature and Champagnes and Sparkling wines can be served a little colder.
Wine term of the week
Herbaceous: The name given to the class of aromas and flavours that are herbal or green vegetable like. These are characteristic of some grape varieties such as Sauvignon Blanc and Cabernet Sauvignon.


Recipe to match with our Eddy no. 1 (Sauvignon Blanc)

Grilled salmon with tropical fruit salsa
Tropical Salsa
Ingredients:
1/2 cup pineapple, finely diced
1/4 cup banana, finely diced
1/4 cup cucumber, finely diced
1/4 cup melon, finely diced
2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
1 small green onion, finely chopped
Season with salt and pepper
Salmon
Ingredients:
6 salmon fillets or steaks without skin
1 tablespoon garlic flakes
3 teaspoons mixed herbs
6 teaspoons oil

1 lemon, squeezed and juiced
Season with pepper, (don’t add salt at this stage. It will dry out your steaks)
Instructions:
Add all the ingredients together and rub the mixture into the fish. Place fish onto a medium hot
Grill. Sear on both sides to keep the juices in, and grill until done. Salmon is done when it turns
Pink throughout and flakes easily with a fork. To avoid dryness do not overcook. Top with salsa
Just before serving.
Enjoy!!!!!


Kind Regards,
Natalie

Tell:____________
Fax: ___________
Email: natalie__________
Website: ______________

Eddy wines support responsible drinking. Not for sale to persons under 18yrs.
Please opt out if you don't want to receive further mails.

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 25 February 2011
To: Izanne
Subject: Eddy wines - New wine releases


Hi Izanne

Thanks for this informative slew of information about un-labelled wine and the versatility of it’s use in gastronomic concoctions they can be decanted into (obviously these would aid in “tenderising” meat, much in the way that phosphoric acid in Coke “tenderizes” tooth enamel.

I am always taken with the poetic license that is so hyperbolically employed when describing decaying grape juice… I wish other consumer industries would also take the effort to do so and thus justify exorbitant pricing for something that is effectively not needed by mankind at all.

For example, Anchovy Fish Paste could be marketed as “a pale, grey - turquoise sludge that hints of rotting octopus with strong undertones of lobster armpit….I’ll take 2 boxes please!






But you’re on a winning streak with the Freudian tones of “explosion of fruits on the tongue” etc – and let’s be honest, this is the closest you’re legally allowed to porno literature when selling booze.

Incidentally, beer actually does what it says it’s going to do, and is proof of God loving us and wanting us to be happy.

“Little boys who whine, become groan men”.

Allen

Work Your Wealth Booking

From: Allen Johnson
Date: Fri, Feb 18, 2011
Subject: Fwd: booking
To: info@myfinancialsuccess.co.za

Dear Conray

I am so relieved that you made it back to Ballito in one piece and ultimately did not trans-mogrify into that hideous fly-mutant thing! I have read all of HG Wells’ books so I know that time travel can be hell and should only be attempted by experts…or people that are running late for an appointment….

I can only imagine that you would need to service the flux capacitor on your current unit to prevent that embarrassing flatulent sound that your after-burners currently emit when you’re re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.

But as your moniker so proudly states, “Whatever It Takes!”, right? I have noticed that you have removed Rhonda Byrne’s trade-mark “Secret” logo? I had thought you had perhaps cleverly circumvented copyright laws by remaining in areas where these tedious laws hold no sway over you, such as hyper-space, or Ballito…

Or perhaps you are being cryptic and will slip in some Dan Brown Masonic symbolism in your future correspondence? Which would also be clever since your time machine can warp the natural laws of gravity and space.

I would suggest one thing with your marketing ploy here, try and get a volunteer to travel with you next time, maybe an elderly lady and see if you can bring her back in Victorian clothing, this will give massive gravitas to your campaign. Just a thought…


Regards

Allen

Get rid of all your deb.t

From: NoMoreDebt
Sent: 10 February 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Get rid of all your deb.t!

Are you struggling to pay the bills every month?
Does it feel like the debt is just getting bigger and bigger and no
one seems to understand?

Many South Africans are still struggling to manage the recession.
And it feels like creditors like the bank just don't understand. The
phonecalls start at early hours of the morning and don't stop until
it's late at night.

Perhaps you are in that situation?
Did you know that there is a solution? At No More Debt we stand
between you and your creditors. We will help you consolidate your
debt into one payment. We are even able to negotiate lower interest rates
which translates into less debt for you!

Allow us to help you stop the pressure. Give you space to breathe.

SMS DEBT to _____ NOW

And one of our consultants will help!

From: Allen Johnson
To: NoMoreDebt
Sent: Thu Feb 10 2011
Subject: RE: Get rid of all your deb.t!


Yes, I must say the deb.t is sometimes overwhelming, but I have heard that the World Bank has appointed the ultimate deb.t collector, and as I am sure was your intended irony, his name also ends with a " .t"...



I will be paying him before he starts making house calls....

Allen

Act Now and Grow Rich

From: Work Your Wealth
Sent: 08 February 2011 03:48
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Act Now & Grow Rich, Free Seminar

>






From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 11 February 2011
To: Work Your Wealth
Subject: RE: Act Now & Grow Rich, Free Seminar









Safe voyage Con!

Allen