Sent: 22 February 2011 09:57
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: FREE R500 Beauty Voucher for Laser Hair Removal...N1
If you send this mail on to ten people or call one of our clinics, we will give you a free laser hair removal treatment worth R500 absolutely free.
Come and experience a FREE Laser Hair removal treatment to the value of R500 at our Aesthetic Express branches in Gauteng.
Sandton ________
Eastgate _________
Menlyn ___________
Copy us in on this mail as well at _________________ so that we can verify that you have sent it to 10 people.
Or visit our South African site at aestheticsexpress
What is Laser Express?
Laser Express is an exclusive hair removal clinic that specialises in the removal of unwanted hair utilising Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) therapy. This type of treatment offers an effective, safe, and permanent solution to unwanted body hair.
Terms and conditions
New clients only
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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 25 February 2011
To: response3@____________
Subject: FW: FREE R500 Beauty Voucher for Laser Hair Removal...N1
Dear Response3
I have already taken advantage of this amazing, if somewhat painful, Laser Hair Removal treatment.
I unfortunately did not use your Aesthetic Express branch however as I am somewhat cash strapped and cannot afford the luxury of the “aesthetic” experience.
I had instead, cloned your technology and constructed a number of laser emitting devices (tailored to handle rampant hair growth all across the human body’s extremities). These are quite bulky and large and had to be built from scratch in my dad’s garage, which he doesn’t know about yet. When he hears the machine warm up, it sounds like a like a Bengal tiger getting a root canal done without anaesthetic… my dad reckons its just “that new heavy iron music kids listen to these days”…
Now, as with any newly-pioneered technology, it had to be tested first. My neighbour’s cat, Mr Silky, seemed the ideal candidate. So, last Tuesday, at midnight – I lured him into the garage with a tin of tuna and “sedated” him with a carefully weighted hammer blow to the head…
I strapped him in and applied the treatment, see below. An astonishing result you must agree!
Now it is time for the human trial, I will fire my laser at the calculated trajectory at a mirror and once and for all, purge body hair from my body forever, wish me luck! I will update you on the outcome!
From: Simon Laser Express
Sent: 26 February 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R500
Please do, if it works would you consider selling your new found technology to us?
Regards
Simon
From: Allen Johnson - TZA
Sent: 28 February 2011
To: Simon Laser Express
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R500
Hi Simon
It’s not new found technology, as I mentioned, I just cloned some of your laser blueprint mechanisms. The rest was easy, except my units are powered by the sun and week-old goat’s cheese, which sort of smells like cauterised hair follicles anyway…
Despite the attempt at lasering myself via mirror refraction, I only managed to incinerate my dad’s boxed collection of Auto Trader magazines directly behind me.
Rather than risk myself again, given the obvious dangers, I posted ‘auditions’ for the therapy on Facebook, and last Wednesday got a ‘volunteer’ to step forward for the lasering. He kept asking about the free ice-cream I’d sort of guaranteed for everyone who’d show up, but sadly he never got the opportunity to enjoy it, as well, things went a little awry as you can see from below (damn, I hate it when people take camera phones everywhere they go)
Sorry about that one Brian… (in a very sad, ironic twist – Brian got fired from work the following day for scaring old ladies down at the pension office. He looked like a mummy you see as he’d been treated and wrapped up on account of the 3rd degree burns he suffered…) The little old ladies started weeping and shaking rather violently – luckily, the ice-cream I’d lured volunteers with were laced with crushed sleeping tablets, and I handed a few of these around with generous chocolate sauce so as to disguise their bitter taste.
So, apart from that minor setback, I’m happy to discuss a sale or even profit-share? Can we meet next week? I’ll bring the ice-cream and my lasers.
Allen
From: Simon Laser Express
Sent: 01 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R50
Rather leave the ice cream and your lasers at home for our 1st meet, I hate to be burnt or asleep whilst tying up the of my life!
From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 03 March 2011
To: Simon Laser Express
Subject: RE: Laser Gift Voucher Worth R50
Hi Simon
Are you asking me to meet you? It feels like we’ve shared so much already and I’m suddenly having butterflies at the prospect of our still - young relationship leading to a prosperous partnership and maybe even firm friendship!
I’m a Leo, what are you? I’m not superstitious or astrologically inclined as such but it is very important that you are not a Gemini, Gadaffi is a Gemini and he’s not at all coolio. (Wish my lasers could reach Tripoli, I’d give him an indoor sun-tan if you know what I mean…)
I am not sure why you mention that you “hate to be burnt or asleep” when we first meet, if you’re referring to that (slanderous) article about me on Google, I can tell you now that I had no idea that box of puppies was in the back the car when I left it the airport….they were fine when I got back from Senegal anyway (I was doing a laser workshop for that government, but got suspicious when their president proposed paying for them with some of his wives and a bottle of no-name wine…)
Also, what do you mean by saying “tying up the rest of my life”? I don’t mean to pry, everybody has “loose ends” and we all need to “tie these up” in order to have a life of any fruitful meaning. I suppose people are like onions, they must be peeled underwater to avoid crying eyes.
Don’t you agree? By the way, what should I wear for our first rendezvous? Should we go and see an action movie together (jeans/t-shirt), or should we meet at the water park (yellow speedos)?
Let me know!
Allen
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