Friday, January 21, 2011

You hold the kings bonus,1500 bets at EuroPalace

From: Annie Monaco
Sent: 25 October 2010
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: You hold the kings bonus,1500 bets at EuroPalace



From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 29 October 2010
To: Annie Monaco
Subject: RE: You hold the kings bonus,1500 bets at EuroPalace



Let me get this straight….you’re a gambling advocate AND your name is Annie Monaco??

Well, this is so awesome since I’m a Blackjack addict and my name (my REAL name) is Vinnie Vegas…although my hotel check-in alias is Snake Eyes Schneider…

Jeez…Annie, I tell you, I am such a compulsive gambler that just the other day, I typed a random number into my phone, got an answer from the other side and asked, “Is this Gambler’s Anonymous by any chance?”….

It was odd when I opened your mail, since at that time a colleaugue of mine, Dyslexic Dave, was looking over my shoulder and burst into hysterical giggles when he read “You hold the king’s bonus” and he bellowed loudly, “I thought that was the queen’s job! Bwahahaha!!!"... Dave often "sees things" that aren't really there, hence the bubble wrap lining in his cubicle...

Where you’ve mentioned that “ You’ve got 1500 credits to play for 24 hours”, does that mean I HAVE to play for 24 continuous hours? That’s quite a big task…perhaps you have me confused with the Silver Sands Casino man who has boundless endurance at the craps table?



Regards

Allen

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

300 Precent Match Bonus On Your 1st Deposit...

From: John Plant [mailto:John@_________]
Sent: 10 October 2010
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: FW: 300 precent match bonus on your 1st deposit...




From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 12 October 2010
To: John@____________
Subject: RE: 300 precent match bonus on your 1st deposit...



Hi John

Thanks for this most important notification, just a question…what is “precent”? Just want to be sure, perhaps you meant “percent” but if the written word and it’s inferences are anything to go by – “precent” could be a reverse fractile number which, for e.g. would mean that if I won R1000, “300 precent” could equate to my having to pay in R30 extra each time I win…

Be honest and fess up John…aren’t you actually with the Revenue Services?...

Incidentally, in my haste to win the gold, I borrowed a neighbour’s (blue collar redneck – what an amusing colour pun!) pick axe and was perhaps a tad over-zealous in driving it’s gleamy point through my laptop’s motherboard to unlock the gold…I am disappointed, the only “precious metal” I recovered amidst the wreckage of what was my notebook, is what I assume to be a micro-gram of platinum ( a super-conductor as you know) – how much gold in ounces can I redeem this against?

Allen

Reflex A4 Paper

From: Bondstationers [mailto:mills@_______]
Sent: 17 August 2010 22:23
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Reflex A4 Paper R149.99






From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 19 August 2010
To: Bondstationers
Subject: RE: Reflex A4 Paper R149.99

Dear Mills (if that is your real name, which would be like employing a guy called Tussers in the dairy department… )

I must concur that this is absolutely an “unbeatable offer” on the Reflex A4 Paper at R149.99. I must however at this time express my disappointment at your having only sent this to me on Tuesday this week.

I work in a remote part of the country, the splendid wooded pine forests of sub-tropical Limpopo and, as irony “wood” have it – I sort of feed your industry.

Yes Mills, I am a lumberjack ( I know it conjures up images from those Big-T burger ads from the 80’s!)

I find slaying 3 year old saplings with my trusty Stihl chainsaw extremely fulfilling.

Anyway, despite your “unbeatable offer”, I’d like to request a trade discount of say…40% on that? Reason being (and we can keep this between us) my dad is a British National and was in the british music scene for many years, dad co-wrote Duran Duran’s 1984 floor killer “The Reflex” back in the day and very soon after took a patent out on the word “Reflex” prohibiting use and/or association of this word on all future developed products. Long story short, you’re in copyright violation here, but we can arrange something…(nudge nudge, wink wink…)




Please get back to me, my lunch break’s over and boy, when a tree falls in the forest – it makes a dandy of a racket! So much for that cliché!

Bluegum greetings

Allen

Tough Crowd Here Tonight....

From: BEYONDred - Entertainment
Sent: 17 January 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Barry Hilton's Laughter Factory



On Wed, Jan 19, 2011 , Allen Johnson wrote:

Dear Beyond Dread Entertainment

This is exactly what I need for my team building, I have been looking for a speaker that can inspire some light humour to alleviate our working day grind, you see – my profession is what some people may regard as “morbid” or even “macabre”.

I just dismiss these descriptions as silly, we here at “Stiff-As-A-Board Undertakers” really take pride in what we do and we haven’t had any complaints from our clientele! (That was mortuary humour by the way).

I have heard on numerous occasions that learning modules and inspiration type speeches are best conducted in one’s workplace, so I would like to find out whether Barry would be prepared to come and give us a team building session at our mortuary?

It’s really squeaky clean and the acoustics are to die for…. I will brief my team to be very participative and not to heckle Barry…

You see, we have had celebs down in the “cold room” before…I won’t elaborate too much, suffice to say that David Hasselhof went into a major panic attack when Dr Embury was doing a Jeff Dunham routine with one of our “latest arrivals”.

David just kept on screaming into his wrist watch, “KITT!!! Come and get me!! Oh God, please come and get me!!!”…



Anyway, I can only hope that Barry gets properly briefed for our circumstances since it would be unlikely that the cider company he’s done work for would use his services again if he pulls a Sixth Sense Haley Joel Osment manoeuvre…

Please send me a quote for 15 heads (living heads that is).

Regards

Allen

Monday, January 10, 2011

B2B Mach 4

From: B2B Mach4
Sent: 07 January 2011
To: __________
Cc: Sales
Subject: Marketing that gets results FAST





From :Allen
To:info@b2bmach4.info

Date :Mon, Jan 10, 2011
Subject Fwd: FW: Marketing that gets results FAST

To whom it may concern
My friend sent your mail on to me and I was immediately intrigued by your words, I mean – not since the seminal “Top Gun”, have I heard anyone use the word “mach”…
And sometimes, when I was about 10 years old, I used to avidly watch Airwolf and wondered what it meant when I sometimes heard Stringfellow Hawk say to Santini; “ Dom! We’ve got a Mig on our tail! I need to get us to Mach 1!!”

I even used to get scolded by my school teacher when I drew Airwolf pictures and wrote speech bubbles where String would be yelling “Get to Mock One!!” (since that was how I thought it was spelt). She used to say; “ Allen, you may not mock anybody, it is not a nice thing to do…”

Anyway…to follow your advice, I purchased a sling-shot while waiting in traffic at an intersection this morning and when I got to work, instead of writing the usual mails to colleagues, I wrote down all my emails on individual pieces of paper and crumpled these into the smallest balls I could.

I then snuck into the sales office and loaded each “mail” into my newly acquired sling shot and fired my communiqués off to the intended recipients, everyone looked up at me very startled by the volley of paper projectiles skewering the air towards them, especially Stephen whom I hit between the eyes (his eyes are very close together, so theoretically, I hit in both…)
Well, at the end of it all, I suppose they DID get the message…but Stephen has taken the day off to go and see a doctor, I felt bad so I just sent him a regular e-mail to his Blackberry…

Maybe you should just put a disclaimer in your marketing ploy here, people can get injured all too easily I’ve noticed…





Regards
Allen

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Passive Income For Life

Passive Income for Life


Hi,

My name is Richard du Barri,

Money pays our bills, no matter which way we look at it.

A steady, growing income stream is something that anybody will enjoy, no matter how wealthy you are.

Passive income is the ideal form in which to receive such an income stream, and you enjoy the benefits as long as you live.

Compare it to being a landowner or a property owner, where you own the property, and you enjoy a growing income for the rest of your life.

Here is a crisp comparison to this remarkable business venture:

You plant a tree, and then you look after your tree, as you would take care of yourself. At first, the tree is small and very frail and it needs your help and protection. And gradually, the tree will be able to withstand many challenges, onslaughts and elements. Before you realise it, your tree will yield fruit on a regular basis, it will offer you shade, shelter, protection, and many other things.

Who said money does not grow on trees?

Of course you realize that you have to do something from your side in order to get started, but even this part has become relatively easy.

The really nice aspect about it, is it can be driven on the Internet, at a very low cost, AND your passive income is paid in Dollar Values, since the entire project has been approved to function internationally, so you may expand your network globally.

Please rest assured that

You will be 100% in control of every step of this process.
You will never be bound to any obligation at any point.
You may bail out whenever you feel the need at no cost to you.
Everything is perfectly legal and complies with all legislation.
This business venture is approved and underwritten by the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI)
It is your decision, and if you are willing to enjoy a growing passive MONTHLY income for the rest of your life, make sure that you become a part of it. And remember, if you feel you have too much money, consider this project for your favourite charity, it is a fine gift for ther needy.

You will be guided every step of the way, and it is really up to you, how soon you want to get started.

YES, I AM INTERESTED!

Thank you for your interest.

Kind regards,

Richard.






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E-mail: ______________



Hi Richard

I am still bewildered by your colourful metaphors and your subtle paradox through blending nature (your money tree), and technology (the internet).

I will bet anything that you were in at least the top quartile of your creative writing class at school. I was also, my essay about a modern-day French revolution with machine guns instead of guillotines etc was very well received and even turned into a low budget screen gem thanks to a cousin that had a Betamax video camera, production was curtailed on account of him being only 4ft tall and the camera weighing 51 kg...

I would further wager that you had many, many young ladies eating out of your palm at the pubs in your younger years – on account of your mercurial talent with words rather than your palm actually holding a small pile of freshly roasted peanuts at the time…., even a seasoned (now retired) campaigner like me can see that, you sly old fox you!

On considering your “crisp comparison” (which I thought rival snack companies Doritos and Lays only engaged in...), I have but only a few questions about the “internet/ tree” relationship;

Firstly, would I need a specially modified computer to drive my money tree’s growth? Perhaps something with “tree whispering” technology that can coax faster growth out of tree, but I want to be able to choose the voice – I would go with a celebrity voice like Snoop Dogg as he has the best passive voice.



By the way, I was also approached by some guy to invest in the Passive Egyptian Plan, he said most people know it as a “Pyramid Scheme” – sounds like a sure-fire winner, should I go for that one too Richard?

Anxiously awaiting your response (next to my Bonsai….)

Allen