What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

From: Ria
Sent: 22 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......


Dear Flight Fan
Imagine a Flight Simulator that offers "real life flying" with Accurate Worldwide Scenery based on Actual Military Mapping, over 20 000 of the World's Airports and over 80 different Aircraft!!
• Changeable weather
• Real life cockpits
• Night flying
• Flying over your own town
• Accurate Airport Approach Lighting
• Fly anything from a helicopter to Military Fighting Jets, to the Wrights' Brothers first plane
• Realistic 3D cockpit views
• Locate other pilots with Google Map Integration
• Lifetime updates and upgrades
Have you ever wanted to fly a plane or a helicopter but lacked the money or ability to do so?
Are you a real pilot looking to improve your skills without having to take off?
Do you want to try some dangerous manoeuvres without risking your life?
SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR... strap on your flying helmet, jump in the cockpit and get ready to take off by visiting www.myfreesimulator.com

The MegaBonus Team
PS See you on the runway!!
To Unsubscribe click here


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 23 March 2011
To: marketing@__________
Subject: RE: What Flight Fanatics Have Been Waiting For.......

Hi Ria

Wow, this is an amazing opportunity, I am an avid collector of simulation experiences and unbeknownst to many of my friends, I hold the performance record on my first simulator purchase; “Steam Train Locomotive Coal Shoveller” – I shovelled 3.5 metric tons of coal in just 2 hours – a record by any measure!!

Upon achieving this milestone however, I had to take a shower simulator as I was covered head to toe, in simulated coal soot…

THIS prospect of yours , however has got me salivating like rabid pit-bull in a chicken sexing barn.

I ADORE the limitless bounds of the open skies and I am just totally taken with the various options and scenarios that you’ve offered that I can tailor for my personal flight experiences.

Just to be more specific, can you look into a personal request for me that has been a coveted fantasy of mine for the last 18 years of my life?

Here’s the “scene”; I am a renegade ex-Viet Nam fighter pilot that specialises in helicopters (like TC from Magnum PI) but I am sent on a TOP, TOP, TOP SECRET mission to the Playboy mansion to rescue all the playmates – but I want to fly this mission in that pink helicopter from “Riptide” – “Screaming Mimi” was her name……

THEN, as I am being directed to the “Bunny Pad” for landing by Hef himself, a BAD version of Airwolf (being piloted by Mickey Rourke and Muamar Ghadaffi) alights from nowhere firing heat-seeking Sidewinder missiles at me, I quickly take evasive action and deploy counter measures like sunbursts. My co-pilot (Charlie Sheen) then says, “Trolls at 9 o’clock! Deploying 30mm chainguns…FIRING!!! GOT HIM!! WINNING!!”

And then we land and smoke fine Cuban cigars and talk about the price of Moet champagne with Hef while the playmates wash my chopper.
















The End

What do you think?

Allen

The Auctioneer

From: Sent by Diydigireader on behalf of The Auctioneer
Sent: 11 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson -
Subject: The Auctioneer
















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Mon, Mar 14, 2011
Subject: Fwd: The Auctioneer
To: bookings@__________

To whom it may concern



At first glance, I thought this was an upcoming comic book hero movie update, I imagine someone like “The Auctioneer” would have really special powers – a flowing black cape and a magical wooden gavel with a really normal alias like Phil Mc Crevice…or maybe a wrestler that throws antiques at his opponent; “Take this silver serving dish in the midriff , Unwavering Refuses to Buy Anything Man!”



He might even have special psychic powers that could compel people to “do his bidding”… Unfortunately though, despite reading your mail, I am not “feeling the excitement grow as we move deeper into auction season”…which is when by the way?

Perhaps from March until autumn? When is the replenishing rutting season for auctioneer prey anyway, and are there daily restrictions on what you can haul in per Auctioneer?

I on the other hand, want to be a real noble hero when I grow up, like The Magenta Maniac pictured below (the fact that he’s snared Pale Paulina in the pic below is on account of the awesomeness of his under-arm deodorant)

Please let me know when the “Auction Season” starts so that I can start whittling sharp sticks for my Malay man-traps.























Regards

Allen

Insurance premiums that fit your budget

From: Topcarinsurances
Sent: 09 March 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Insurance premiums that fit your budget
















From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 10 March 2011
To: info@___________
Subject: RE: Insurance premiums that fit your budget

To whom it may concern

This is a fantastic offer, however I have a question – I do not believe in motorised transport as it is my conviction that it is an abomination of the devil. This is not a joke, I further believe that when people take photos of me, their camera steals a small part of my soul…

But I digress, I believe fore-warned, is fore-armed. Please see my vehicle attached below and since you’re willing to give me 3 free quotes, here’s 3 free ones of my own for you;

• If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
• We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people
• Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Incidentally, this is me and my family pictured in front of the “car” (which is short for carriage anyway…) This is not however a photo, it an etching I did with some charcoal and horse manure, a terrific compound that really brings out the colour of my braces don’t you agree?

















If you’d prefer, I can meet you at your corporate office? How many days’ full moons might it take to get to you from Wyoming? Digger (my trusty shire steed) is fully recovered from a bad bout of laryngitis, you should have heard him, he’s been very hoarse…

Let me know, I will await by the new-fangled internet machine for your speedy response.

Pa Allen