Invitation

From: Brandon Alan
Sent: Saturday, December 11, 2010 9:10 PM
To: D InfoSA
Subject: Invitation

Hi,

Thought you might be interested, we teach and train people to trade for a living.
I know if we just told you how to trade and get a 10% return in 10 minutes, you would probably say:
"That's impossible!"






However, if you came to a Live Stock Market Trading demonstration and we showed you a 10% in 10 minutes you would probably say, like most:
"That's amazing!"

Try us! It won't cost you anything except your time to come see. We have office suites nationwide, and Live-Trading demonstrations weekly. BOOK NOW into a Live-Trading presentation today. Book either by reply email or SMS____________. Attend either at our offices (see venues below), or online via Skype. For more info visit ____________

Our affiliated brokers are authorised financial service providers. Our service is training and coaching our clients to trade live on the markets. We confidently publish our results from all trades done whilst training and trading live with our clients. (*Our Trading results are available on request.)




We train our clients to become self-directed traders, for income and wealth creation purposes. Whether you are a complete beginner, or have been trading for many years as an experienced trader. We can teach you how to trade profitably and produce consistent returns.

BOOK NOW
Upcoming Live Trading demonstrations:
• DURBAN (head office), by Pavillion Wednesdays or Thursdays @4pm
• PRETORIA, by Menlyn - Tuesdays @6pm
• CAPE TOWN, by Millenium Business Park - By arrangement
• OTHER AREAS Online Meetings
• ONLINE, via Skype Simply send your Skype ID and we will arrange a time.

Duration approximately 1 hour.

To book, email reply with your full name and cell number. Or SMS to ___________

During the Live Trading demonstration we will show you "how to get started", introduce trading strategy and market logic, show you how to profit from rising AND FALLING share prices, as well as demonstrate Live-Trading. And afterward provide you with an opportunity to question our experienced traders.




After years of testing strategies that work, we are very excited to extend our services nationwide to the public, through launching our local and international trading solutions. We only seat a maximum of 50 people per Live Trading presentation session, and there is no cost for admission. Therefore we will reserve seating for you on a first come first serve basis. Bookings are essential. Seats fill up quickly. So book now, if you wish to attend. Please reply with your cellphone number when making a booking or enquiring for further info. So we may call you to confirm your booking, and discuss any queries in more personal manner.

Book into the Live-Trading demonstration today. Simply email reply or SMS ____________




Don't forget to book into the presentation today, as seats are limited and do fill up quickly. You may invite one other person to attend together with you, if you wish.

Look forward to hearing from you, in regards to booking you in -for the next upcoming Live Trading presentation in your area.


Regards,

Brandon Alan
BROKER PRINCIPAL


Cell: ______________ or ____________
Fax: ____________or _____________



You don't need to unsubscribe as this is a once off message. If you are interested in attending you may simply reply.

Opt-out and Courtesy notice:
Just to let you know, if you are concerned, you have not been placed on a repeat mailing list. This is a just a once off email sent to you, just to WARMLY INVITE you to attend our presentation nearby to you. Since we noticed you are nearby to our office we decided to extend this invite to you.

If you are uninterested you may simply just ignore this email, in order to not receive further correspondence. And if for some reason you mistakenly receive this email more than once you may send a return email with 'opt out' in the subject. Alternatively you are welcome to give me a call on my cell if you need further assistance, in any way. Our various business projects and passion is to assist, enable, equip and empower people in all levels of society. And therefore we genuinely wish you heartfelt encouragement and every success. (Even if you do not show interest in our product offering). All the best as:
"Your success is our passion."

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 14 December 2010 16:06
To: Brandon
Subject:FW: Invitation

Hi Brandon

My friend forwarded me this mail of yours (he didn’t request your “warm invite” but thought I might be interested).

You mention a Live Stock Trading Demonstration, that is fantastic, I don’t come from a farming background but I have vague recollections of when I was about five years old, running around with my great step-uncle Boo Radley at the weekly livestock auctions.

I imagine this very similar to what you are referring to? And I would love to see all those sheep and cattle go under the hammer to the highest bidder!

Tell me, and excuse my naïveté…does the term “bull” and “bear” markets stem directly from Live Stock Trading? I so love these “trading terms” don’t you?

If I could, I would change “Wall Street” to “Mekong Panda Street”, and the “Dow Jones” to “Cow Jones”




Now Brandon, I want to bring down some of my uncle Boo’s farm workers with to your work shop to suss out the Brahmans and so forth…do I get a discount for 20 pax?

Regards

Allen

Shane Warne has something to tell you and your friends

If you could get Shane Warne to send your friend an email, what would you get him to say?
View this email online or download the pictures to find out what they are.

Do you know someone who's always off with the fairies? Or a friend who thinks they’re the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread? Give them the reality check they so desperately deserve...


Send a personalised email from Shane Warne at
www.WarniesWordsOfWisdom.com.au
Warnie is locked & loaded with a dazzling array of pearlers, zingers, sledges and pleasantries that'll hit your mates where it hurts the worst – right in the goolies!
Click here to get started

WARNEING: Some sledges may result in 'hurt feelings'.



Messages On Hold Australia
Freecall: 1800 MESSAGES (1800 6377 2437)
Email: demo@messagesonhold.com.au
Fax: 1300 883 807
Website: www.messagesonhold.com.au


You have been sent this email because you requested to receive notification of future videos starring you and your friends.

Unsubscribe here from our video mailing list if you do not wish to receive electronic communications in future.

View our Privacy Policy. Messages On Hold takes your privacy very seriously and will never release your details to any third parties.

The Message Group is the same team that brought you:
www.messagesonhold.com.au/infomercial-promo
www.WorldsGreatestBusinessMind.com
www.DonaldTrumpWontShutUp.com
www.aSportingPhenomenon.com
www.Australia2010.com.au

From: "Allen Johnson
To: "The News Team"
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2010 13:58:03 +0200
Subject: RE: Shane Warne has something to tell you and your friends

“Shane Warne has something to tell me and my friends”?

I wonder what that could be, maybe something like “ The day the Ashes go back to England, is the day I cheat on my wife…”

Or maybe its something like “ I wanna drink 5 week old sparkling wine out of your stilettos , you saucy fox…,er sorry! Wrong number!!”…

Seriously though, “Warnie’s Words of Wisdom” is as about as apt as bin Laden’s unauthorised biography “ Trade Centre Triads – A Lonely Afghan’s Long Distance Love Story”…or his cookbook effort,
“101 Kabul Goat Recipes”…

Having said all that, don’t you have anything by the only notable celeb Australia ever produced, Paul Hogan??

“You call that a knoife?...that’s not a knoife, THIS is a knoife…”

What Is Your Shape?

From: Wellness
Sent: Friday, December 03, 2010 7:27 AM
To: Wellness
Subject: What is your shape?

What is your shape?





You may think you know when you look in the mirror, or you may be too busy trying to cover up unshapely areas to really see yourself as you are. Do you know how much fat you're carrying, compared to how much muscle? Do you know where you tend to gain weight–upper body, lower body or around the middle? Until you know the answers to these questions, you are not ready to make your personal plan for losing weight and keeping it off. Understanding your body is the first step to reaching your best personal shape. As someone who teaches both doctors and the public about obesity, I believe weight loss has been overemphasized and body shape underemphasized. You have probably read about the Body-Mass Index (BMI), which is a weight-to-height ratio. If your BMI is greater than 25, you are considered overweight in the United States, and if it is greater than 30 you are obese. This ratio has been a powerful way for scientists to document the obesity epidemic in this country and its effects on health and disease. However, when it comes to you as an individual, it can be misleading. A football player can be considered overweight on the BMI scale, but if the extra weight being carried is muscle, he is not really fat. A thin woman can have a normal BMI, yet still be over-fat. So shape counts.

Shapes are personal and go beyond the usual apple and pear. Women can have three typical body shapes–upper body fat, lower body fat and both upper and lower body fat. Men usually only get upper body fat. The upper body stores fat in times of stress and some people can lose and gain weight rapidly in the upper body. The lower body fat in women responds to female hormones such as oestrogen and progesterone and stores fat for breastfeeding a newborn baby. Women who have both upper and lower body fat will lose their upper body fat first. Women with more upper body fat tend to have more muscle than women with lower body fat and will need more protein in their diet to help control their hunger. Losing weight is harder if you have lower body fat rather than upper body fat, but the medical benefits of losing your upper body fat are greater. Losing weight around your neck, face, chest and waist usually goes along with losing fat on the inside as well. So as you look better, you are also improving your health tremendously.

Finally, there are two more body shapes to consider: The shape you can change and the shape you can't change. It is important to know the difference and work on the shape you can change, while adjusting your wardrobe and attitudes to the shape you cannot change. Due to low metabolism, many women with lower body fat can't lose weight just by cutting calories. These lower body-fat cells are resistant to both exercise and diet. Only a personalized program can help make sure you get enough protein to control cravings and build or maintain lean muscle ~ written by David Heber (Ph.D., F.A.C.P., and F.A.C.N.) who has over 30 years of Nutritional experience.

To find out more about a personalized program for weight management, you can go to _____________ or you can send me an email with your contact details.

Regards

S. Coetzee

Wellness consultant

* In future if you do not want to receive similar emails, please reply to this mail with Unsubscribe and your email address in the subject line

Dear S Coetzee

My friend of mine forwarded this mail to me as and I thought it was very provocative indeed...

You see, I'm what some people may describe as " wide for my height"...

But I also know that, inversely proportional to the massive weight I carry, I must by default also be exceptionally strong in the muscle department in order to commute this vessel of lard to the walk-in fridge and back to the Sunday afternoon Lost omnibus….hmm, “omnibus” was my nickname at school..(*sniff*…)

It just makes sense, that is why for example those absurdly fit, lanky Kenyan marathon runners do not hunt large elephants and sling their kill over their shoulders and run back to the villages for a cook-out…they simply are not primed for such load carrying capacity in the muscle department as a result of their inadequate fat percentage ratios to contend with this.

I must also contest your assertion that eating poorly make you pile on the pounds since, if we really “are what we eat” and we hate being “apple and/or pear shaped”, then surely we must ban these destructive fruits from our diets altogether?

For if the candy manufacturers start moulding those jelly babies into mini – Adonis’s, it will start looking a little bit like Spartahhh!!! in our respective communities.

Food for thought? Er, and by "food" I mean a vegetarian rye sandwich of course...

Allen

Turn Your Receptionist into an Ambassador

From: Frontline Excellence

Sent: 25 October 2010 08:44

To: Allen Johnson

Subject: Turn Your Receptionist Into An Ambassador!

Become the ultimate polished Receptionist

26 October – Murray Guest House, Pretoria

28 October – Bailiwick Manor, Johannesburg

28 October – CAB Conference Centre, Cape Town

17 November – Westville Conferences, Durban

23 November – Etnique Towers, Bloemfontein

The Peer Group will be hosting a one-day seminar  focusing on Frontline Excellence.  Less than 10% of receptionists who answer the phone do so with empathy and enthusiasm. That’s The Peer Group’s findings after conducting hundreds of mystery surveys for a top client in the retail sector.

Many receptionists don’t understand how important their jobs are, and even worse some managers don’t acknowledge the importance of their role.

Programme Overview

07:30 – 08:00 Registration and welcome refreshments

08:00 – 08:20Welcome remarks

08:20 – 10:15 Morning Session:

Where Customer Excellence Starts

Internal versus external customers

Image and grooming

Why customer care is important

Exceeding customer expectations

10:15 – 10:45 Mid-morning tea/refreshments

10:45 – 12:30 Mid – Morning Session

Excellent Telephone Skills

What are ‘good’ telephone techniques?

How are first impressions created?

Voice, tone and body language

Using positive language

12:30 – 13:00Lunch

13:00 – 14:15 Panel discussion – Customer Complaints (are they good or bad?)

14:15 – 15:00 Case study: Understanding what makes a great receptionist

15:00 – 15:15Afternoon tea break

15:15 – 16:45Doing the Right Things Right

Handling Difficult People and Situations

How to deal with Anger & Conflict

Plans for Tomorrow

Action Plan – What Now?

16:45 – 17:00 Issuing of Certificates and Closing

Seminar registration fee:

R1 950 (excl VAT) per delegate

Register 3 delegates and the 4th delegate attends free of charge

The above registration fee includes, lunch, refreshments, parking and seminar material

For more information about the programme contact  Memory Muza _______ or email  _________

To book your place contact Elizabeth on ___________ or email ____________

See you there!

Memory Muza

Sales & Marketing

From: Allen Johnson

To: Frontline Excellence

Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:38:30 +0200

Subject: RE: Turn Your Receptionist Into An Ambassador!

Dear Frontline

Thanks for your mail, but I thought it only responsible to let you know that I already do subscribe to your mailing letter (below)…But I have to confess that despite having already sent my receptionist on the training you describe at the bottom of this mail, I have had some trouble with her conduct… (she’s a 13 year old border collie).

Her name is Petunia and, shame, her age is really catching up with her – I have secretly observed her diligently taking calls at her switchboard with a friendly “Growf Growf!!”, but it would seem that her sand-flea infestation really has her down at the moment as it isn’t even 5 minutes into her conversation that she lifts her hind leg and reflexively kicks her Kelly Temp headset flying off her head…

Needless to say, this really startles my customers sitting in the reception area…

Please can you help, or send me a guide to solve this problem? I would really appreciate it, I have had to make an intervention in the mean time and have secretly hired a short-haired Pomeranian called Bernard [I hope he’s Great, ha ha…]  he truly has the perfect face for telephone work to be honest…

One last thing, do you perhaps sell those phone hand sets with the large buttons for paw key-inputting?

Eagerly awaiting your favourable response…

Allen

 

SA's Greenest House

Louis van der Walt
Sent: 24 November 2010 09:00
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: SA's Greenest House

Training DVD's

From: Allen Johnson


Sent: 22 November 2010 16:39

To: Training DVDs

Subject: RE: Training DVDs


To whom it may concern
I think Training DVD’s are the way of the future, heck! They’re the way of the PRESENT! Just last Saturday, instead of taking my 47 kg , muscle-bound Rottweiler, Lucifer for his Criminal Defence training down at the local police K9 unit – I decided instead, after reading this article during a Cartoon Network ad-break, to rent training DVD’s for him to watch alone at home like “Turner & Hooch”, and, after a cautious coin toss at Mr Video, I also got him “Cujo”…

This was the biggest mistake of my pet-owning life…my living room now resembles that inbred family’s cellar from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”… Please Dr Jude…do you perhaps a training DVD for me? Maybe something entitled “How to Make Your R 50 000 Leather Living Room Ensemble Look Brand New With Just 1 Pint Of Krazy Glue! – Was R 499, now only R 498!”
I find this communication such a find! What bargains! I have added some comments in your correspondence below in green (for future self–reference chiefly)

One last thing, I’m a real nostalgia buff…do you have the below material in VHS? The sound of tapes rewinding actually soothes Lucifer now that I think of it…



From: Dynamic DVDs


Sent: 22 November 2010 11:35 AM

To:

Subject: Training DVDs



The best way to train staff, and improve productivity is with quality, South African produced DVD's...




A training provider registered with Services SETA December 2010





Dynamic DVD's

Presented by South Africa's leading speaker and trainers¦



Dr Brian Jude and Associates presents...

TRAINING DVD's AT GREAT PRICES

Due to the overwhelming demand that we have had from you, our customers, (to stop sending vitriole out…) we are once again offering this amazing special on training DVD's.

Customer service, Communication skills, Selling skills, Management, Inter-personal skills, Team building, Time management and assertiveness and Motivation.

TRAIN YOUR STAFF - MAXIMISE YOUR PROFITS (through making THEM pay for the DVD’s?)

With 8 great specially priced DVD packages

Each package is only R995-00 - VAT and postage included. (Does it come with popcorn vouchers?)

This offer is valid for South Africa only and expires on 14th January 2011



The most efficient way of training your people is by using DVD material.

• It allows your people to go through a subject at their own pace.

• It allows for constant repetition, making sure that the skills learned are internalised and put into practice. Could you say that again please?

• Also it allows people to use time that may otherwise NOT be productive. (watching TV always does, not so?...)





CUSTOMER SERVICE PACKAGE.

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Psychology of customer service DVD (Normal price R449-00) (Extra Features included? i.e. “The Making Of”?

1x What customer's love and loathe DVD (Normal price R449-00) (PG Rating?)

1x Who's responsible DVD (Normal price R449-00) The Nazi’s?..

1x The customer is king DVD (Normal price R449-00)

Does Yul Brynner make a cameo? Sorry, that’s “The King and I”….

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS TRAINING PACKAGE.

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Conflict management DVD (Normal price R449-00) (My dog is SERIOUSLY conflicted!)

1x Working with difficult people DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Don't agonise - Solutionise DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Stress management DVD (Normal price R449-00)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



MANAGEMENT SKILLS TRAINING PACKAGE.

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Manager's mistakes DVD (Normal price R449-00) (Why pay so much to learn how to stuff up?)

1x Effective leadership DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Growing employees DVD (Normal price R449-00) (By watering them regularly and giving them plenty sunshine?)

1x Making meetings work DVD (Normal price R449-00)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



ATTITUDE AND MOTIVATION TRAINING PACKAGE

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Attitude and goal setting DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x Get what you set DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x Live your dreams -revisited DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x High morale for productivity plus DVD (normal price R449-00)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



SELLING SKILLS PACKAGE.

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Closing the sale DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Overcoming objections DVD (Normal price R449-00) (Does it include a free judges gavel like in Matlock?)

1x Sales presentations that sell DVD (Normal price R449-00) "Normal price"? for a car maybe?....

1x Prospecting for sales success DVD (Normal price R449-00)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



COMMUNICATION SKILLS PACKAGE

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Don't just hear - Listen! DVD (Normal price R449-00) (Does it have sub-titles?)

1x Time to talk DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Communicate for success DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Body language in business DVD (Normal price R449-00)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



TIME MANAGEMENT AND ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING PACKAGE

This R995-00 package includes:

1x More hours in your day DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x Save time -delegate DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x Getting things done DVD (normal price R449-00)

1x Talking straight DVD (normal price R449-00) (A bit homo-phobic don’t you think?)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



MANAGING TEAMS AND CHANGE PACKAGE.

“Change Package”? Is that like when Ken becomes Barbie?

This R995-00 package includes:

1x Dare to win DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Power to influence DVD (Normal price R449-00)

1x Managing change DVD (Normal price R449-00) (only carry notes?”)

1x Team talk DVD (Normal price R449-00) (Pacino’s” 7 inches” speech from “Any Given Sunday” tsk tsk...plagiarism you know…)

Normal price R1796-00 - Special price R995-00 VAT and postage included.



(Offer applies in the RSA only.)

Act NOW, this offer expires on Friday 14th January 2011.

To order, e-mail or phone with company details and your requirements.







As a valued client or potential client, we do not want to send you e-mails that do not add value to you or your business.

Or that don’t line our pockets through asinine products…





If you do not want to continue getting our newsletters, product advices, special offers and information sheets, please go to the "unsubscribe" link at the end of this mail and you will be deleted from our lists.

Alternatively, reply to this e-mail, putting "unsubscribe" in the subject line.

Many thanks.

Corporate Governance

---

From: Amanda
Sent: 18 September 2010 15:51
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Workshop 13 October: Corporate Governance - Commitment or lip service?

Dear Allen

Workshop - 13 October 2010   -   A one-day thought provoking intervention:

Are companies really committed to corporate governance or is it lip service?
As the leading economy in Africa, South Africa has, over the past decade, been working towards raising its standards of corporate governance. The inception of the first King Report in 1994 evoked strong interest in the matter, and the latest set of guidelines, the King III Report, represents a significant step in the evolution of corporate governance in the country, as does the New Companies Act. Although the Report's recommendations are not legislative, companies are likely to take major steps to demonstrate their adherence. If successful, this will not only appease domestic lawmakers, but will also demonstrate to overseas investors and shareholders that standards of governance are improving in South Africa and that companies themselves are active in making those improvements
How long will it be before it is decided if companies are realistically willing to adapt?
Is it likely that King III will set the tone for how companies tackle the issue of governance?
If you are interested in attending this workshop please click here to read more about the event and how to register.

Kind regards

Amanda

Board Recruitment Specialist

From: Allen Johnson Sent: 01 October 2010 13:52 To: Amanda Bougardt Subject: RE: Workshop 13 October: Corporate Governance - Commitment or lip service? Dear Amanda What a dilemma…which one should I choose? “Commitment” implies a long term association that could sour within a few minutes or maybe hours, whereas “Lip Service” reminds of the name of that massage parlour in Bangkok I’d er, heard about… 1994’s King Report certainly doesn’t stir any memories, I was in matric you see – and was far more interested in scraping enough money together for our Margate holiday – we used to drink cane and Oros on the beach at Uvongo, you believe that? These days its just tik and broken glass on our golden coastal sands…(*sniff*) I would like to raise a point at this time, you’ve jumped from the first King report straight into the King III report, what became of the King II report? Or is that waiting in the wings as some sort of peripheral strategic weapon should King III not cut the mustard? Or perhaps King II lies in shreds on the floors of your office building’s top echelon executives….the product of a Watergate inspired, midnight cover-up? A local Monica Lewinsky embroiled with your boss?? Please fill in the gaps for me Amanda, don’t want to be implicated in any potentially treasonous plots to overthrow the Free State or anything… By the way, there’s a typo in your title – it should be “ Bored Recruitment Specialist” Regards Richard Nixon the 3rd (or is that 2nd?)

Take 10 Years Off Your Face

From: Sonja
Sent: 29 September 2010 07:49
To: Friends
Subject: FW: Take 10 years off your face in 15 minutes

We’ll Give You R480 Towards Your Non Surgical Facelift
If You Send This Mail To 10 People…

That’s right….Face Lift Express in Sandton City Johannesburg is offering new clients R480 worth of product towards a Non Surgical Facelift. 

To take 10 years off your face in a non surgical way, will cost about R1200, but we will take off R480! This means that you can look 10 years younger for only R720.

We will also give you a 10 year underarm laser hair removal package, should you spend R720 on your 1st facelift appointment, valued at R3600 in this promotion. This laser package can be transferred to another person, should you not require it! 

So you will get R4800 worth of products for R720!

 NB: To qualify for this offer you need to Cc us in on this email as well at ____________so that we can verify that you have sent it onto a minimum of 10 people.

What is a Liquid Facelift?

One of the most recent advancements in non-surgical face lifts procedures has occurred through the use of certain injectable substances. These cosmetic agents are FDA approved and have revolutionised the anti aging process!

For more information go to:  _________________

To unsubscribe please reply to this mail with Unsubscribe in the subject

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 29 September 2010 18:05
To: Sonja
Subject: RE: FW: Take 10 years off your face in 15 minutes

Dear Sonja

Thank you so much for this email, you wouldn’t know me from a bar of soap (pardon the cosmetic pun, which is right up your, er, alley…) but this is JUST what I need…

I do however have a few questions though, I have exceptionally wrinkled skin given that I suffer from the degenerative progressive ageing disease progeria…will this qualify me for a further discount since I am, for all intents and purposes, not the octogenarian most people assume I am? (although I do enjoy getting bumped up the queue at the local Computicket for Cinderella pantomime tickets…)

Secondly, I took advantage of the hair removal laser treatment you mention below yesterday, but given my rather cursed circumstances, I hope to grow the hair back rapidly to well, hide the years my face bears, do you have a product to expedite massive acceleration of hair growth you could recommend me?

By the way, I’m 19 years old. I’ve attached “before” and “after” pictures which are far more authentic than those credibility – lacking body building photos (who knew pumping iron good give one such a healthy orange glow…)

Have a great day, I’m off to buy thirty five litres of Head & Shoulders….

Before Laser treatment…

After…  UNBELIEVABLE!!!

November Madness!!!

From: Martin Sanders
Sent: 05 November 2010 11:20
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: South Africa, are you looking for an affordable website?

NOVEMBER MONTH MADNESS!!!
FREE Registration of your .co.za / .com domain (worth R119),
When hosting your website with Web Promotions, during November 2010.
Valid until 30th November 2010 only!!!
Hosting from only R59 per month
Website development is also available if required.
Contact me with any questions you may have.
Martin Sanders
Marketing Assistant
Web Promotions

---

 

Hi Martin

Wow, ANY questions I may have, you say…can I get a trial period to ask you questions for free? And would the answers to these questions (assuming you offer me a free trial period) be cryptic or comprehensively detailed?

For e.g., a “free trial” question I may have is “ Do androids dream of electric sheep…?”  and you could say “ Yes, but their neural cortex needs to be insulated otherwise a short could result in the sheep exploding and would scatter medium rare mutton all over the country-side”…, or you could be cryptic and say “  Hmmm, maybe…for R5, I could tell you…”

I’m going to ride my luck here Martin, I’m going to fire off some questions to you now and see what your crystal ball can reveal to the unanswered mysteries in my head…

• Does Stephen Hawking’s mental voice sound just like his computer to him?
• What does Orion’s Belt look like from the other side of the galaxy?
• Does my fridge light REALLY go off when I close the door…I sometimes hear scrabbling in the fridge late at night whilst watching the Other Michael Jackson on Summit TV, I sneak up to it, swing the door open and…the lettuce is where my Maltesers were supposed to be…do you think my cold foods are having a private soiree in my trusty Kelvinator late at night Martin?....I’m going to call my fridge Christine…like that possessed car from Stephen King’s novel…
• This is just WEIRD, I’ve just mentioned the name “Stephen” TWICE in this mail Martin! Is there a storm coming do you think? Maybe more tornadoes like in Vryheid yesterday…

Oh my gosh, I am FREAKED out Martin, I just can’t continue right now!!! I am SO sorry!!!

Going to splash some Jeyes Fluid on my face and get lucid for a while…

Please let me know the answers to the above?

Gracias Amigo!  (Bang Bang!!)

 

The Other Michael Jackson...

From: Marilyn
Sent: 11 August 2010 16:39
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Michael Jackson's Presentation Skills Workshop

       PRESENTS

www.theothermichaeljackson.com

 Book your seat for Michael Jackson's
Business Presentation Skills Workshop

Dates:   Monday 6th September


Venue:  The Focus Rooms,

             Sunninghill JHB

One day Business Presentation Skills Workshop:
Getting it Right - Everytime
Bookings are essential as space is limited
Fee - R3 400 ex VAT per delegate

Contact


"Michael has recently hosted two Presentation Skills workshops for
our
marketing and executive teams.  He did a superb job in crafting
the
workshop to suit the specific needs of each of the teams and
challenged
our current thinking and presentation styles.  The workshop was
insightful, engaging and well worth it."  Siobhan O'Sullivan, OCT
Marketing Executive, Adcock Ingram - Feb 2010


What will delegates learn at Michael's Workshop?

Everything you need to know to be able to prepare, create and
deliver
appropriate, relevant and meaningful business presentations to
any
audience, anywhere.

*     Watch, deconstruct and understand the content of a professional
business presentation
*     Learn to prepare content and materials for themselves that work
properly
*     Become comfortable with their own material and presentation
style
*     Understand the nature of any meeting or event
*     Discover how to control the room and environment
*     Gain the ability to read and get results from every audience
*     Determine what a good speaker is...and isn't
*     Be taught when and how to use PowerPoint and other aids
*     Master timing skills

Michael Jackson guarantees that by implementing the course's
learning
and materials the quality and content of your next business or
corporate
presentation will be significantly better than anything you have
ever

presented before.

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 12 August 2010 08:13
To: Marilyn
Subject: RE: Michael Jackson's Presentation Skills Workshop



Dear Marilyn



I would like to learn how to Moonwalk, will one day cover this?
Also -
I'd like to know whether Jermaine might be there, I have all the
Jackson
5's autographs barring him, so my friends mock me saying I have
the
"Jackson 4", its most humiliating - can you please advise?



p.s. will there be plastic diamond studded gloves on sale there?
Want to
live up the vibe, sha-mon!


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 13 August 2010 09:59
To: Marilyn
Subject: RE: Michael Jackson's Presentation Skills Workshop



Dear Marilyn



I know you're probably very busy what with organizing catering
and
seating arrangements for MJ's "This Was It" live video rehearsal
prior
to the real deal happening, but I thought it only fair to tell you
I
would like to book 31 seats ( ironically this is Bubbles the
Chimp's
biological age - man, I loved him in the "Just Leave Me Alone
video in
'88...)



Now obviously this is quite a big block booking, can I get
discount? My
entourage and would like to assure you that despite what
"allegedly"
happened at that live John Edward's show - IT WAS NOT STAGED and
he is
the real thing! How John knew my Auntie Edna loved baking apple
crumble
in early autumn just cannot be a fluke...I was so moved...



But I digress...can you send me a quote please?



Regards



"theotherallenjohnson"


From: Michael Jackson
Sent: 17 August 2010 09:38
To: Allen Johnson
Cc: 'Marilyn Woolfrey'
Subject: the other Michael Jackson


HI Allen



My office wasn't sure if your email was for real!?



If you would like to discuss a booking for 31 execs I am only too
happy
to chat or meet with you to discuss a deal. Please let me know.



Over to you mate...



Regards,



Michael Jackson


 On Wed Aug 18 08:01:34 CDT 2010, Allen Johnson
 wrote:


Hi Michael



I understand the initial trepidation Marilyn may have felt at my
correspondence. I know that angst all too well, one of my many weaknesses is
that I cannot resist a big name in lights, so naturally yours, albeit "the
other one", caused quite a stir within.



Not to regale you with boring stories, but once, whilst on an
exchange
program in the American mid-West, I was taken in by this flyer
that I
found in the corn field I was tilling the fields (the owner of
the
ranch's son liked using his father's crop dusting plane to drop
promo
leaflets for his garage band's gigs etc...they called themselves
The
Children of the Corn, and they were a-maize-ing...)



Anyway, the headliner on the particular flyer that day was none
other
than that never-say-die country crooner, Willie Nelson. Now, I'm
not a
huge aficionado of honky-tonk music myself, but I do admire a guy
that
has endured the industry despite having smoked A grade quality
electric
spinach to the equivalent value of an emerging economy's GDP...



So, off I went with Grady (a deaf mute farm hand, who ironically,
had no
hands - an accident due to being completely deaf and when one
Sunday,when Jeb was lubed up on moonshine whilst trundling the
combine
harvester through the field...)



Anyhow, we arrived at the Idaho national fairgrounds come the day,
and
the sight that greeted us, was well...simply astounding - not a
stage
resplendent with sound gear and sleeveless roadies toiling in the
mid-day sun, but just...a....lone...HUGE....ultimate fighting
championship cage...



We naturally stuck around out of curiosity (didn't pay 3 dollars
for
squat) - so, eventually this, I suppose you'd call him an MC of
sorts,
comes out and starts announcing the proceedings to take place for
the
day...



Well! We quickly discovered that what the whole event entailed was
in
fact...midget wrestling, with a country and western theme... I
came to
this conclusion when I saw a (naturally diminutive) midget come
into the
ring who, and I swear this is true, was a dead ringing replica of
Willie
Nelson...10 gallon hat (well, perhaps 5 gallon hat in his case)
and long
strawberry-blonde tresses et al...he kept treading on the latter,
which
genuinely seemed to add to his aggressive demeanour...



I simply had no inkling that there was a following for this type
of fare
anywhere in this world, but to revert to my 1st sentence on this
mail, I
cannot resist a big name in lights, and this aptly named
wrestling
legend, the one and only Willie Half Nelson, certainly brought a
tear to
my eye...



Jeez, I can go off on a tangent, my apologies Michael.



How much will it be for 2 people? (29 pulled out when they heard
you
weren't the singing Michael Jackson)



Regards



Allen

From: Michael 
Sent: 19 August 2010 10:12
To: Paul
Subject: Fwd: RE: the other Michael Jackson

Read to the end... its too delegates... will you get hold of him

Michael Jackson
(on the road/mail sent via Spamarrest)

From: Paul 
Sent: 19 August 2010 13:51
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: FW: RE: the other Michael Jackson


Hi Allen.

Michael is busy with a 3 day conference and asked me to get back to you.

The cost is R3400 ex VAT per delegate.

Shall I get Marilyn to send you the invoice for 2 delegates?

Regards,
Paul


From: Allen Johnson 
Sent: 19 August 2010 14:22
To: Paul
Subject: RE: RE: the other Michael Jackson

Hi Paul

I was somewhat surprised to get a mail pertaining to the quote from somebody other than Michael himself, please don’t take offence - I think I'm only now beginning to realise now just how busy a man Michael must be.

A 3 day conference is well within the realms of what I would call "marathon" proportions and is certainly nothing to scoff at. I can only assume that the hosts are offering him generous body breaks and perhaps, if they're truly accommodating, vertical neck and shoulder massages to keep the circulation and vitality going whilst he addresses the forum.

And in so saying, this absolutely vindicates, what would to the lay person, seem like quite a high price per head for his oral renderings.

Please ask Michael what "too" delegates are numerical -wise?

I am not versed with Latin, or any other ancient languages of the wise and hence can't accept your quote at this time as it could turn out to be 5 hundred thousand trillion people in English, and that would certainly keep Michael on his feet for a very long period and could significantly influence the health of even the most advanced Swedish masseuse.

Regards

Allen