From: Bond Stationers
Sent: 17 April 2012
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Bond Stationers April 2012 Promotion

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 27 May 2012
To: Bond Stationers
Subject: Bond Stationers April 2012 Promotion

Dear Bond Stationers

I was instantly sucked into your sales premise on the whole moniker of Bond Stationers…I mean, being an avid fan of Ian Flemings’s 007 protagonist/ hero archetype that is James Bond, how could anyone (except maybe Odd Job) refute the value proposition of your offer contained herein…?

I am however, genuinely curious as to the whereabouts of your usual spy catalogue…you know, the X-Ray glasses at the pool front with the boner-suppressing speedo technology....

Women love mysterious men and don’t take affront to having their credentials questioned….thus – what is the latest on the dart-blowing truth serum formulae you developed for the stationers contract?....

And please, do not apologise for sending this message in error, I have inadvertently happened on the SkyFall teaser trailer…

Just one question, at the risk of sounding naïve ….are the HP Laser Jets you use , you know, REAL lasers? Like Q might’ve come up with?.....and if setting it to ‘stun’, will this affect the power consumption much?

Regards

Allen

Photo to Canvas Mounts

From: Gareth McClure
Sent: 21 October 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Photo to Canvas Mounts


Photographs to Canvas Mounts:

"Designed for Corporates or Individuals."


" Corporate gifts for your clients"

We manufacture 'Photo to Canvas Block Mounts.' We personalise the canvas prints with your company logo and an image of your choice. This is an innovative gift that will keep your brand top of mind in an office rather than the standard corporate gifts like pens that gets lost anyways...etc. This gift lasts forever!
Let your Company's Brand be a work of ART on your consumers office wall!!!


Please contact me for prices and negotiatons on large corporate orders.

Personal / Family / Photo To Canvas

This is a super gift for birthdays, anniversaries and home décor because it keeps memories alive!!! Email me for our October specials pricelist!


How does this all work?

Email us your own personal photographs or we can source any image that you require. We then digitally print the photos onto a high quality Canvas and mount the canvas onto our framing system, stretched around all sides to give it the 3D effect! The canvas is neatly fastened into a groove on the back of the frame, leaving the end product ready to hang or secure onto the wall.


Please simply reply 'unsubscribe' if you do not wish to receive mail from Gstardesigns.
We respect your rights to privacy!

Yours Sincerely

Gareth McClure


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 December 2011
To: Gareth McClure
Subject: RE: Photo to Canvas Mounts


Hi Gareth

I’m afraid that by some inconvenient coincidence, you and I are actually competitors….

Where you convert photos to canvas, I convert photos to holographic statuettes….a life-long 3-D reminder of lost loved ones, movie characters or whomever my clients wish it to be…

I hate to mention this to you too, but unlike photo frames, or your canvas mounts – my renderings never need dusting, they can never fall off the wall or one’s mantel piece…

And…they can be used for fun and not just nostalgic/memorial reasons…for example, my good friend Norbert went into my guest bathroom the other day to use the toilet and I’d put a 3-D Freddy Krueger in the shower to surprise him!

Luckily for him, he was already sat down and his fright loosened his bowels so much, he had to flush the john twice….so my offering has health benefits too.

So I am afraid I am not interested in your offer at this time Gareth….

Just out of interest, are you related to Troy McClure? You know, that lovable Simpsons character!

















Regards

Allen

Bad Payers, Blacklist them

From: Ultrabluezone
Sent: 07 December 2011 10:15
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Bad Payers, Blacklist them.


BAD PAYERS? BLACKLIST THEM!

Reply to this email with your contact details and we will contact you.



You are subscribed as allen johnson

Our Services
ACCESS THESE ONLINE SERVICES FROM YOUR PC - ANYWHERE VIA THE WEB.

TRACING: Trace your debtors from as little as R9.00 a trace. Trace by ID, Cellphone, Landline, Address, Date of birth and even Name and Surname.

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Final Demand Letters (Section 129): Send out Final Demand letters by the click of a button.

Consumer Reports: Check potential consumers from as little as R16-00 a report.
(Includes Judgements, Adverses, Directorship Links, and Property Ownership).

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Credit Guarantee Services up to R200 000: We take the risk so you don't have to.

Property Guarantee Services: Individuals only.
Reply to this email with your contact details and we will contact you. Other Services
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ultrabluezone - YOUR NUMBER 1 IN EMAIL MARKETING


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 December 2011
To: james@____________
Subject: RE: Bad Payers, Blacklist them.

Hi James

The very fact that you have me as “subscribed” to your mailing list is very unsettling….

I for one am not a bad payer, I am merely a fantastic borrower….this ‘service’ of yours seems to have serious overtones of espionage techniques to it.

Which makes me wonder whether the ‘ultrabluezone’ in your e-mail domain doesn’t refer to the ‘deep blue sea’…as in concrete shoes, in the ocean…

Nevertheless, I am interested in getting one of my debtors traced, he came to me in the night when I was throwing the bones to precipitate a séance with my ancestors….the mist that I formed was very thick (oh, by the way – I am a traditional African white witch-doctor, or sangoma)

His name is John J.J. Johnson, a distant relative of mine - my uncle’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s step-son….whose maiden name is also Johnson (he had a trans-gender procedure a few years ago).

Which leads me to the debt crisis I have….I loaned him the money to have the procedure done.

Now, I use the bones and the invocation of the Great Elders to bring him to the fore….but although he appears to me , he is still a devious one and has somehow procured the ability to shape-shift, and he does this with great amusement for himself, last night he came to me as Amy Winehouse and sang this stupid song to me to the tune of her classics “Rehab” song – “They try to make me go and repay Al, I said no,no,no….”

It is very infuriating and I wish to have my money back as soon as possible from him.

Can you help me out James? Even if you get his money in ‘ghost’ form, I have an ectoplasmic converter ,which basically can turn any ghost/apparition into real, tangible cash…

I mean theoretically, if I could trace his spirit, I could reunite Kurt Cobain with Nirvana, or even bring back Elvis ( I have tried this, but he resides in Graceland, and although a ghost – he has kept the weight on…)

Please advise on what you can help me with?


























Regards

Allen

Absa Customer Panel Invitation

From: The Absa Customer Panel Team
Sent: 10 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Absa Customer Panel Invitation












Dear Mr Johnson,

We would like to know what is important to you

Absa continuously seeks ways of improving our service offering to you and what is important to you. One of the platforms that we have identified is opening a dialogue with you through Consumer Panels. Consumer Panels consists of groups of customers who have agreed to regularly participate in our research surveys.

We have commissioned ConsultaPanel, an independent and accredited Panel- and Community Research provider, to manage the Absa Customer Panel and conduct our surveys on your experience and satisfaction when interacting with us.

As a valued customer we kindly request that you participate in the Absa Customer Panel to enable us to get a better view of what is important to you.

Joining is easy
• To join please click here to be directed to your first Absa Customer Panel survey about Workplace Banking and indicate your preference.
• After the registration application, you will receive a welcome e-mail that will also provide you with more details.
• Lastly, look out for survey invitations and other related communication via email and feel free to contact us any time.

All information shared in this survey and all future interactions will be treated confidentially and will be used only for research purposes. No confidential- and personal identifiable information will be shared with any third party.

Your feedback enables us to improve our efforts to deliver excellent service at all times and we will endeavour to ensure that you continue to receive superior service in all your future dealings with us.
If you have any questions regarding the Absa Customer Panel and/or any of its processes, please feel free to contact the Absa Customer Panel Team by clicking here and send us an email.

Voorsiening word ook gemaak om hierdie studie in Afrikaans te voltooi.
.
We look forward to having you online!

Regards,
Absa Customer Panel Team







From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 12 December 2011
To: 'The Absa Customer Panel Team'
Subject: RE: Absa Customer Panel Invitation



Dear Absa Customer Panel Team

Thanks for your e-mail, your lateral view of the guy’s head spewing letters from the alphabet out his mouth like a stagnating curry biryani, is a superb metaphor for constructive communication.

Regrettably though, I suffer from bancophobia (yes, it is a real word and it means ‘the fear of banks’) you can look it up, it is a very true and really frightening affliction.

I used to suffer from a plethora of phobias, in fact, I even had a phobia about getting phobias – phobophobia. This must never be confused with the fear of homeless people, which is obviously hobophobia….or Greek frat parties; togaphobia.

Even when I am donating blood (I have an extremely rare blood group), I have to have it done outside the… *gulp*..bank….

So your offer of me joining your “consultapanel” is, in my eyes, tantamount to a school of great white sharks inviting me to join their weekend snorkelling team….out of character and a little (excuse the pun) fishy….or is that “phishy”?...



















Regards

Allen

Car insurance premiums too high ? Save 10% now!

From: Tracey Sent: 06 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Car insurance premiums too high ? Save 10% now!































From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 09 December 2011 13:08
To: Tracey
Subject: RE: Car insurance premiums too high ? save 10% now!

Hi Tracey

Thank you for your mail – I am a little bit perplexed though, I drive a Nissan 1400 pick-up, but the visuals you have below are of what are obviously very flash cars…

Why is this? Is there an industry discrimination against cars older than 30 years?

Look, Tracey…don’t get me wrong – I assume you’re female (there are guys called Tracey too, like Tracey Morgan from 30 Rock and SNL – man, he cracks me up!)

But, I tried coming right with First For Women insurance as they had GREAT quotes going…I even ‘tweaked’ my name a bit, you know…to ‘Alanis’.

Everything was fine until they invited me to meet and sign final documents with the consultant, Lucille (who is quite uh , how shall I say this…a ’masculine’ woman)

I panicked of course, I am a man…how am I going to pass as a woman when I had to meet this person?

Well, I got dressed in a sensible middle-aged woman’s sun-dress, put on some rouge and mascara and donned some Jackie-O glasses – and in I went…

Well, Lucille took to me like a hummingbird to a flower, she was right up in my face , and I KNEW she had more than a professional interest in me…I could smell the Eisbein wrap she’d had for breakfast on her breath, and even see a small peppadew lodged in the appreciable gap between her two front teeth….

I was fudging myself and refused to sit down, I had put a scarf around my neck to hide my shaving nicks from the morning, but I looked at her and she had an adam’s apple the size of a cricket ball, and with a voice that makes Barry White sound like a eunuch…

She eventually forced me to sit down at her desk (I just kept saying ‘cheapest quote!’ over and over to myself in my head….) but when she glazed her sandpaper-like tongue across the nape of my neck, I fled…

I literally ran through her desk and dived through her open office window…losing half my dress and ripping my stockings in the process…

Tracey, I want a good quote…a reasonable, non-sexist…quote for me and my little pick-up.

Can you help me? Lucille has somehow found me on facebook and keeps requesting my ‘friendship’.

I will phone the police next week if it doesn’t stop…



















Please help

Regards

Allen

From:first4quality
Sent: 07 December 2011 01:30
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Professional contractors for you!

Hello,

Our teams of professional and trained contractors can assist you with any aspect of your house, office or complex!

We cover the whole of Gauteng, Pretoria, Durban and the Western Cape and can provide you with:

Contractors - Builders, Painters, Plumbers, Electricians & more...
Support - Architects, QS, Draftsman, Engineers & more...

All our contractors are registered with the appropriate authorities and are able to offer quick effective solutions to your problems. We specialise in renovations, alterations and turnkey operations.

Plans - Innovation is the name of the game. Let us help you conceptualise your ideas and turn them into concrete. Quick professional plans in no time.

Project Management - Need some extra eyes and ears. Don’t have the time or expertise. We will manage your project from concept through to final handover.

Building, Construction & Plaster - Building on a room, new extension, garage, braai, wall... We also build houses from scratch!

Roofs & Waterproofing - Need a new roof or just minor repairs. Maybe you have a leak that need fixing. We specialise in torch on methods and we offer a 5 to 7 year guarantee on workmanship.

Tiling- We specialise in all tiling including natural tiles, slate, porcelein, ceramic, travertine and more.

Electrics – Certificate of Compliance | New Light and Plug Points | Db Boards | Lights Tripping | New Installations

Plumbing – New Geyser | Drainage Problems | Leaking Taps | Pressure Problems | Maintenance and New Installations | Solar Geysers | Grease Traps.

Painting – Domestic and Residential - Roof and Wall - Guarantees Apply - no job to big or to small

Paving – Domestic & Residential - Tar, Clay and Cement Bricks - Professional results

If you are interested call Samantha on 0839307161 to arrange an appointment.

Unsubscribe:
We identify prospects through websites, the yellow pages and other periodicals in the public domain. You have not been added to any list, this is a one off mail to introduce our company in the hope of generating business. If you reply to this email with "NO" in the subject, then we will make sure your details are removed from our computers and that you are not contacted again.



From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 07 December 2011
To: mail@first4quality.co.za
Subject: RE: Professional contractors for you!

Hello to you too...

Nice that we are having a 'non-first name basis' thing going here....I am a huge fan of mystery and mystique in general...I frequently go shopping blind-folded and collect random items from the racks just by the sense of touch alone.

Yesterday, I needed to do food shopping but when I got home and removed my blindfold, I realized that dinner for that evening was going to have to be a combination of cat litter, baked beans, industrial strength drain sanitizer and some maxi-pads....

Needless to say, I am still very hungry, but this most fundamental human appetite is almost always overshadowed by my pursuit of the enigmatic...

Anyway, I've read your mail (without the blind-fold of course...) and I wanted to ask something...the word 'contractor' is quite broad....

My worry involves the fact that you state you cover ' the whole of Gauteng, Pretoria, Durban and the Western Cape'... I live in Limpopo in a '79 Gypsy Caravan.

Over the years I have made many additions to my homestead, but with summer having arrived in it's rampant glory, I was hoping to build a splash pool inside it.

This is far too technical a job for me, so I would like you to do it - do I need to hitch it and drive it down to you people, or can you send me a provisional 'caravan splash-pool' quote?

The dimensions I have in mind are 0.5 metres deep, and about 1 square metre in perimeter....oh!! And I want a diving board built in too, obviously with this you would need to please also fashion a retractable sun-roof to allow for any attempted dive launch, otherwise, what's the point?...

I am worried about your misspelt 'porcelain' though...or is 'porcelein' a different, or hybrid material? Perhaps used on things like the Hubble telescope that would simply be too expensive for me?

I hope you can send people to do the job up here in Limpopo actually, otherwise I'll drive down anyway - you guys do the job, and I can drive back.

I will obviously fill the pool before I leave, since I have to pick up some Asian Giant Koi fish for my friend who owns the only Sushi restaurant this side of the Tropic of Capricorn...

Please advise?






















Oh by the way, if I have not been "added to any list" as you state in your disclaimer at the bottom of your mail, how did you get my contact details? Oh never mind, now that I have yours – I will also send you lots of special offers on refurbished caravans and jungle – restaurant concept recipes.

Kind regards

Allen

Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour

From: Hour-Loan
Sent: 02 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: ALLEN JOHNSON, Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour











Hi ALLEN JOHNSON,

The recession is behind us but times are still tough. Everyone needs a little extra money from time to time - to pay for school fees, home renovations, pay off debt, weddings :), funerals :( and all other unforeseen circumstances.

At Hour-Loan.co.za (South Africa), we believe that gaining easy access to lower cost capital shouldn't be for a privileged few but for every South African. We have been refining our product to consumer over the past 3 years and feel that we have really refined it.

We work with most of the leading personal loan providers in South Africa and have built a process where we will be able to provide you with a pre-qualifed loan offer in less than 1 business hour.

This takes all the hassle and hard work out of finding the best loan for you and what’s more, you can do it from the privacy of your own home / office / wherever you are reading this.

Give us a try, go to www.Hour-Loan.co.za, or apply now

Thanks

The Hour-Loan team













From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 December 2011
To: FastApply@Hour-Loan
Subject: Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour - 1Hour-Loan.co.za

Dear Fast Apply

It is as if you have been sent to me from heaven….many of the dire fates you describe below have happened to me in just this one week!

On Monday I got married (in court, because times are tough) to Bertha, my 212kg sweetheart from school….we decided to go a less lavish route and to rather use the money to go under-water cave diving at Sodwana.

Anyway, what an awesome experience, frolicking in these colourful marine caverns and seeing all the brightly hued fish, my Bertha looked so graceful as she did slow-motion somersaults with an elephant seal, you could hardly tell them apart….well, except for Bertha’s garish pink and magenta bikini of course!

After a while, we decided to explore a small ship wreck, we swam through it’s galley (Bertha loves kitchens...) and its plethora of cabins when suddenly, as we were ascending to the surface through a large port-hole, Bertha got stuck!

She had at least breached the surface of the water, but her midriff was perfectly wedged tight in the port-hole.

Crisis as you can well imagine!!

I raced to shore and went to seek help, but all I could find was an abandoned picnic basket on the beach, I emptied it out and managed to find half a tub of butter…

I had a light-bulb moment…Eureka!! I would use it to lubricate her way out of her watery trap….So I tried it…but failed dismally, I only managed to attract about 100 hermit crabs to her waist area, which in turn, attracted a flock of swooping gannets….my poor Bertha…covered in dying hermit crabs and gannet excrement…

It took 3 hours before the NSRI could pull her out with 2 rubber duck dinghy’s….and with the rip tide that had ensued, she had lost her swimming apparel altogether and we had to use the boat’s sun-protection sail to conceal her modesty…

So….she blames me for the “dumb honeymoon” venue selection, and is suing for divorce and defamation of character….also, the NSRI have refused to take back their “soiled sail”, I had vehemently argued with them that was from the gannets, and not Bertha…

Can you help me with R25,000?























Regards


Allen