Photo to Canvas Mounts

From: Gareth McClure
Sent: 21 October 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Photo to Canvas Mounts


Photographs to Canvas Mounts:

"Designed for Corporates or Individuals."


" Corporate gifts for your clients"

We manufacture 'Photo to Canvas Block Mounts.' We personalise the canvas prints with your company logo and an image of your choice. This is an innovative gift that will keep your brand top of mind in an office rather than the standard corporate gifts like pens that gets lost anyways...etc. This gift lasts forever!
Let your Company's Brand be a work of ART on your consumers office wall!!!


Please contact me for prices and negotiatons on large corporate orders.

Personal / Family / Photo To Canvas

This is a super gift for birthdays, anniversaries and home décor because it keeps memories alive!!! Email me for our October specials pricelist!


How does this all work?

Email us your own personal photographs or we can source any image that you require. We then digitally print the photos onto a high quality Canvas and mount the canvas onto our framing system, stretched around all sides to give it the 3D effect! The canvas is neatly fastened into a groove on the back of the frame, leaving the end product ready to hang or secure onto the wall.


Please simply reply 'unsubscribe' if you do not wish to receive mail from Gstardesigns.
We respect your rights to privacy!

Yours Sincerely

Gareth McClure


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 December 2011
To: Gareth McClure
Subject: RE: Photo to Canvas Mounts


Hi Gareth

I’m afraid that by some inconvenient coincidence, you and I are actually competitors….

Where you convert photos to canvas, I convert photos to holographic statuettes….a life-long 3-D reminder of lost loved ones, movie characters or whomever my clients wish it to be…

I hate to mention this to you too, but unlike photo frames, or your canvas mounts – my renderings never need dusting, they can never fall off the wall or one’s mantel piece…

And…they can be used for fun and not just nostalgic/memorial reasons…for example, my good friend Norbert went into my guest bathroom the other day to use the toilet and I’d put a 3-D Freddy Krueger in the shower to surprise him!

Luckily for him, he was already sat down and his fright loosened his bowels so much, he had to flush the john twice….so my offering has health benefits too.

So I am afraid I am not interested in your offer at this time Gareth….

Just out of interest, are you related to Troy McClure? You know, that lovable Simpsons character!

















Regards

Allen

Bad Payers, Blacklist them

From: Ultrabluezone
Sent: 07 December 2011 10:15
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Bad Payers, Blacklist them.


BAD PAYERS? BLACKLIST THEM!

Reply to this email with your contact details and we will contact you.



You are subscribed as allen johnson

Our Services
ACCESS THESE ONLINE SERVICES FROM YOUR PC - ANYWHERE VIA THE WEB.

TRACING: Trace your debtors from as little as R9.00 a trace. Trace by ID, Cellphone, Landline, Address, Date of birth and even Name and Surname.

List and De-List: List Bad Payers on the Credit Bureaus by the click of a button.

Final Demand Letters (Section 129): Send out Final Demand letters by the click of a button.

Consumer Reports: Check potential consumers from as little as R16-00 a report.
(Includes Judgements, Adverses, Directorship Links, and Property Ownership).

Company Reports: Check Companies for their credit record.
(Includes Company Judgements, Adverse Info, Tax and Vat Numbers).

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Property Valuation: Check the value of a property.

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National and International Company Reports: Request these reports via your PC.

Bank Codes: Request a Bank Code to determine the risk factor of a Company.

Cheque Guarantee Services:

Credit Guarantee Services up to R200 000: We take the risk so you don't have to.

Property Guarantee Services: Individuals only.
Reply to this email with your contact details and we will contact you. Other Services
Criminal Checks

Academic Qualifications

Matric Verifications

ID and Fraud
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Marriage Searches

Bank Account Verification

Permanent Residency

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Death Certificate Copies

Number Plate Enquiries

Important tip:

Always check a potential client before granting credit.


To stop receiving these emails please unsubscribe.
ultrabluezone - YOUR NUMBER 1 IN EMAIL MARKETING


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 December 2011
To: james@____________
Subject: RE: Bad Payers, Blacklist them.

Hi James

The very fact that you have me as “subscribed” to your mailing list is very unsettling….

I for one am not a bad payer, I am merely a fantastic borrower….this ‘service’ of yours seems to have serious overtones of espionage techniques to it.

Which makes me wonder whether the ‘ultrabluezone’ in your e-mail domain doesn’t refer to the ‘deep blue sea’…as in concrete shoes, in the ocean…

Nevertheless, I am interested in getting one of my debtors traced, he came to me in the night when I was throwing the bones to precipitate a séance with my ancestors….the mist that I formed was very thick (oh, by the way – I am a traditional African white witch-doctor, or sangoma)

His name is John J.J. Johnson, a distant relative of mine - my uncle’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s step-son….whose maiden name is also Johnson (he had a trans-gender procedure a few years ago).

Which leads me to the debt crisis I have….I loaned him the money to have the procedure done.

Now, I use the bones and the invocation of the Great Elders to bring him to the fore….but although he appears to me , he is still a devious one and has somehow procured the ability to shape-shift, and he does this with great amusement for himself, last night he came to me as Amy Winehouse and sang this stupid song to me to the tune of her classics “Rehab” song – “They try to make me go and repay Al, I said no,no,no….”

It is very infuriating and I wish to have my money back as soon as possible from him.

Can you help me out James? Even if you get his money in ‘ghost’ form, I have an ectoplasmic converter ,which basically can turn any ghost/apparition into real, tangible cash…

I mean theoretically, if I could trace his spirit, I could reunite Kurt Cobain with Nirvana, or even bring back Elvis ( I have tried this, but he resides in Graceland, and although a ghost – he has kept the weight on…)

Please advise on what you can help me with?


























Regards

Allen

Absa Customer Panel Invitation

From: The Absa Customer Panel Team
Sent: 10 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Absa Customer Panel Invitation












Dear Mr Johnson,

We would like to know what is important to you

Absa continuously seeks ways of improving our service offering to you and what is important to you. One of the platforms that we have identified is opening a dialogue with you through Consumer Panels. Consumer Panels consists of groups of customers who have agreed to regularly participate in our research surveys.

We have commissioned ConsultaPanel, an independent and accredited Panel- and Community Research provider, to manage the Absa Customer Panel and conduct our surveys on your experience and satisfaction when interacting with us.

As a valued customer we kindly request that you participate in the Absa Customer Panel to enable us to get a better view of what is important to you.

Joining is easy
• To join please click here to be directed to your first Absa Customer Panel survey about Workplace Banking and indicate your preference.
• After the registration application, you will receive a welcome e-mail that will also provide you with more details.
• Lastly, look out for survey invitations and other related communication via email and feel free to contact us any time.

All information shared in this survey and all future interactions will be treated confidentially and will be used only for research purposes. No confidential- and personal identifiable information will be shared with any third party.

Your feedback enables us to improve our efforts to deliver excellent service at all times and we will endeavour to ensure that you continue to receive superior service in all your future dealings with us.
If you have any questions regarding the Absa Customer Panel and/or any of its processes, please feel free to contact the Absa Customer Panel Team by clicking here and send us an email.

Voorsiening word ook gemaak om hierdie studie in Afrikaans te voltooi.
.
We look forward to having you online!

Regards,
Absa Customer Panel Team







From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 12 December 2011
To: 'The Absa Customer Panel Team'
Subject: RE: Absa Customer Panel Invitation



Dear Absa Customer Panel Team

Thanks for your e-mail, your lateral view of the guy’s head spewing letters from the alphabet out his mouth like a stagnating curry biryani, is a superb metaphor for constructive communication.

Regrettably though, I suffer from bancophobia (yes, it is a real word and it means ‘the fear of banks’) you can look it up, it is a very true and really frightening affliction.

I used to suffer from a plethora of phobias, in fact, I even had a phobia about getting phobias – phobophobia. This must never be confused with the fear of homeless people, which is obviously hobophobia….or Greek frat parties; togaphobia.

Even when I am donating blood (I have an extremely rare blood group), I have to have it done outside the… *gulp*..bank….

So your offer of me joining your “consultapanel” is, in my eyes, tantamount to a school of great white sharks inviting me to join their weekend snorkelling team….out of character and a little (excuse the pun) fishy….or is that “phishy”?...



















Regards

Allen

Car insurance premiums too high ? Save 10% now!

From: Tracey Sent: 06 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Car insurance premiums too high ? Save 10% now!































From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 09 December 2011 13:08
To: Tracey
Subject: RE: Car insurance premiums too high ? save 10% now!

Hi Tracey

Thank you for your mail – I am a little bit perplexed though, I drive a Nissan 1400 pick-up, but the visuals you have below are of what are obviously very flash cars…

Why is this? Is there an industry discrimination against cars older than 30 years?

Look, Tracey…don’t get me wrong – I assume you’re female (there are guys called Tracey too, like Tracey Morgan from 30 Rock and SNL – man, he cracks me up!)

But, I tried coming right with First For Women insurance as they had GREAT quotes going…I even ‘tweaked’ my name a bit, you know…to ‘Alanis’.

Everything was fine until they invited me to meet and sign final documents with the consultant, Lucille (who is quite uh , how shall I say this…a ’masculine’ woman)

I panicked of course, I am a man…how am I going to pass as a woman when I had to meet this person?

Well, I got dressed in a sensible middle-aged woman’s sun-dress, put on some rouge and mascara and donned some Jackie-O glasses – and in I went…

Well, Lucille took to me like a hummingbird to a flower, she was right up in my face , and I KNEW she had more than a professional interest in me…I could smell the Eisbein wrap she’d had for breakfast on her breath, and even see a small peppadew lodged in the appreciable gap between her two front teeth….

I was fudging myself and refused to sit down, I had put a scarf around my neck to hide my shaving nicks from the morning, but I looked at her and she had an adam’s apple the size of a cricket ball, and with a voice that makes Barry White sound like a eunuch…

She eventually forced me to sit down at her desk (I just kept saying ‘cheapest quote!’ over and over to myself in my head….) but when she glazed her sandpaper-like tongue across the nape of my neck, I fled…

I literally ran through her desk and dived through her open office window…losing half my dress and ripping my stockings in the process…

Tracey, I want a good quote…a reasonable, non-sexist…quote for me and my little pick-up.

Can you help me? Lucille has somehow found me on facebook and keeps requesting my ‘friendship’.

I will phone the police next week if it doesn’t stop…



















Please help

Regards

Allen

From:first4quality
Sent: 07 December 2011 01:30
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Professional contractors for you!

Hello,

Our teams of professional and trained contractors can assist you with any aspect of your house, office or complex!

We cover the whole of Gauteng, Pretoria, Durban and the Western Cape and can provide you with:

Contractors - Builders, Painters, Plumbers, Electricians & more...
Support - Architects, QS, Draftsman, Engineers & more...

All our contractors are registered with the appropriate authorities and are able to offer quick effective solutions to your problems. We specialise in renovations, alterations and turnkey operations.

Plans - Innovation is the name of the game. Let us help you conceptualise your ideas and turn them into concrete. Quick professional plans in no time.

Project Management - Need some extra eyes and ears. Don’t have the time or expertise. We will manage your project from concept through to final handover.

Building, Construction & Plaster - Building on a room, new extension, garage, braai, wall... We also build houses from scratch!

Roofs & Waterproofing - Need a new roof or just minor repairs. Maybe you have a leak that need fixing. We specialise in torch on methods and we offer a 5 to 7 year guarantee on workmanship.

Tiling- We specialise in all tiling including natural tiles, slate, porcelein, ceramic, travertine and more.

Electrics – Certificate of Compliance | New Light and Plug Points | Db Boards | Lights Tripping | New Installations

Plumbing – New Geyser | Drainage Problems | Leaking Taps | Pressure Problems | Maintenance and New Installations | Solar Geysers | Grease Traps.

Painting – Domestic and Residential - Roof and Wall - Guarantees Apply - no job to big or to small

Paving – Domestic & Residential - Tar, Clay and Cement Bricks - Professional results

If you are interested call Samantha on 0839307161 to arrange an appointment.

Unsubscribe:
We identify prospects through websites, the yellow pages and other periodicals in the public domain. You have not been added to any list, this is a one off mail to introduce our company in the hope of generating business. If you reply to this email with "NO" in the subject, then we will make sure your details are removed from our computers and that you are not contacted again.



From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 07 December 2011
To: mail@first4quality.co.za
Subject: RE: Professional contractors for you!

Hello to you too...

Nice that we are having a 'non-first name basis' thing going here....I am a huge fan of mystery and mystique in general...I frequently go shopping blind-folded and collect random items from the racks just by the sense of touch alone.

Yesterday, I needed to do food shopping but when I got home and removed my blindfold, I realized that dinner for that evening was going to have to be a combination of cat litter, baked beans, industrial strength drain sanitizer and some maxi-pads....

Needless to say, I am still very hungry, but this most fundamental human appetite is almost always overshadowed by my pursuit of the enigmatic...

Anyway, I've read your mail (without the blind-fold of course...) and I wanted to ask something...the word 'contractor' is quite broad....

My worry involves the fact that you state you cover ' the whole of Gauteng, Pretoria, Durban and the Western Cape'... I live in Limpopo in a '79 Gypsy Caravan.

Over the years I have made many additions to my homestead, but with summer having arrived in it's rampant glory, I was hoping to build a splash pool inside it.

This is far too technical a job for me, so I would like you to do it - do I need to hitch it and drive it down to you people, or can you send me a provisional 'caravan splash-pool' quote?

The dimensions I have in mind are 0.5 metres deep, and about 1 square metre in perimeter....oh!! And I want a diving board built in too, obviously with this you would need to please also fashion a retractable sun-roof to allow for any attempted dive launch, otherwise, what's the point?...

I am worried about your misspelt 'porcelain' though...or is 'porcelein' a different, or hybrid material? Perhaps used on things like the Hubble telescope that would simply be too expensive for me?

I hope you can send people to do the job up here in Limpopo actually, otherwise I'll drive down anyway - you guys do the job, and I can drive back.

I will obviously fill the pool before I leave, since I have to pick up some Asian Giant Koi fish for my friend who owns the only Sushi restaurant this side of the Tropic of Capricorn...

Please advise?






















Oh by the way, if I have not been "added to any list" as you state in your disclaimer at the bottom of your mail, how did you get my contact details? Oh never mind, now that I have yours – I will also send you lots of special offers on refurbished caravans and jungle – restaurant concept recipes.

Kind regards

Allen

Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour

From: Hour-Loan
Sent: 02 December 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: ALLEN JOHNSON, Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour











Hi ALLEN JOHNSON,

The recession is behind us but times are still tough. Everyone needs a little extra money from time to time - to pay for school fees, home renovations, pay off debt, weddings :), funerals :( and all other unforeseen circumstances.

At Hour-Loan.co.za (South Africa), we believe that gaining easy access to lower cost capital shouldn't be for a privileged few but for every South African. We have been refining our product to consumer over the past 3 years and feel that we have really refined it.

We work with most of the leading personal loan providers in South Africa and have built a process where we will be able to provide you with a pre-qualifed loan offer in less than 1 business hour.

This takes all the hassle and hard work out of finding the best loan for you and what’s more, you can do it from the privacy of your own home / office / wherever you are reading this.

Give us a try, go to www.Hour-Loan.co.za, or apply now

Thanks

The Hour-Loan team













From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 December 2011
To: FastApply@Hour-Loan
Subject: Secure a R100,000 Personal Loan in 1 Hour - 1Hour-Loan.co.za

Dear Fast Apply

It is as if you have been sent to me from heaven….many of the dire fates you describe below have happened to me in just this one week!

On Monday I got married (in court, because times are tough) to Bertha, my 212kg sweetheart from school….we decided to go a less lavish route and to rather use the money to go under-water cave diving at Sodwana.

Anyway, what an awesome experience, frolicking in these colourful marine caverns and seeing all the brightly hued fish, my Bertha looked so graceful as she did slow-motion somersaults with an elephant seal, you could hardly tell them apart….well, except for Bertha’s garish pink and magenta bikini of course!

After a while, we decided to explore a small ship wreck, we swam through it’s galley (Bertha loves kitchens...) and its plethora of cabins when suddenly, as we were ascending to the surface through a large port-hole, Bertha got stuck!

She had at least breached the surface of the water, but her midriff was perfectly wedged tight in the port-hole.

Crisis as you can well imagine!!

I raced to shore and went to seek help, but all I could find was an abandoned picnic basket on the beach, I emptied it out and managed to find half a tub of butter…

I had a light-bulb moment…Eureka!! I would use it to lubricate her way out of her watery trap….So I tried it…but failed dismally, I only managed to attract about 100 hermit crabs to her waist area, which in turn, attracted a flock of swooping gannets….my poor Bertha…covered in dying hermit crabs and gannet excrement…

It took 3 hours before the NSRI could pull her out with 2 rubber duck dinghy’s….and with the rip tide that had ensued, she had lost her swimming apparel altogether and we had to use the boat’s sun-protection sail to conceal her modesty…

So….she blames me for the “dumb honeymoon” venue selection, and is suing for divorce and defamation of character….also, the NSRI have refused to take back their “soiled sail”, I had vehemently argued with them that was from the gannets, and not Bertha…

Can you help me with R25,000?























Regards


Allen

Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available

From: Susie Wood
Sent: 15 November 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available













Have you ever considered a career as a private financial trader?
Did you know that many private financial traders take home R500,000 to R10m per annum - with some traders starting with less than R15,000 in their trading accounts?

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Here are the 3 key reasons why you should do it too:
1. You only need a laptop, internet connection, some relatively inexpensive software and professional training to get started
2. You can trade from anywhere in the world at any time that suits you
3. You can limit the risk on any trade to less than 1% of your account balance and leverage the upside for fantastic profit potential



Knowledge to Action is the World's largest trader coaching company (and Sunday Times FastTrack 100 Finalist) and is running free workshops to show you how you can get started - regardless as to whether you choose to trade full-time or part-time as a positive addition to your income.

"Your strategies work... there's good after sale service and client attention and care. It's a comprehensive service. You don't feel alone when you go off remotely trading you still feel part of a unit." John Wills, Ultimate Forex Graduate



Disclaimer: Our Seminars are purely educational in nature. We do not advise upon or tip any trades shown in any seminar. All trades demonstrated whilst on Knowledge to Action's courses are for educational and illustration purposes only. These products are not suitable for all investors. Please make sure you understand the risks involved.

© 2011 Knowledge To Action Ltd.

From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 November 2011
To: Susie Wood
Subject: Trader Workshops – Spare Places Available


Dear Susie

I HAVE considered a career as a private financial trader…it was around the same time I was attempting to wrap shooting of my re-make of “Gorillas In The Mist” down in the estuaries of the KZN north coast.

Budget constraints and a 5 year air-travel interdict against me, prevented me from shooting in Tanzania as originally planned…anyway, the ‘domesticated’ zoo gorilla that I had ‘borrowed’ went postal and bit my knee-cap off during filming one day and my camera man had to subdue it with my vintage Betamax video camera which obviously got totalled in the process…

To this day, I cannot eat Cadbury’s chocolate because of that advert where the gorilla plays drums during Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”….

So…I have a laptop, I have internet connection and I already have some ‘relatively inexpensive’ software…mostly file-sharing stuff and obviously my ‘knee-cap-itulation’ scene which I put on YouTube (It’s been 5 years and I’ve already had 79 hits!)

I googled Greg Secker and the word ‘scam’ came up about 356,000,657 times. I double checked to see that I hadn’t typed in ‘Greg Sucker’ by accident, but no – it’s Greg Secker alright.

So, I don’t think I’ll be seckered in this time around….just off the topic though, which beach is this in your photo below? Are all those people busy doing on-line trading?

They had better watch out for sand in their keyboards, and worse still….sea-monkeys….because if you are rational about it, where there are sea-monkeys, there are also probably sea-gorillas…

























Regards

Allen

Improve fuel, improve power

From: Francois
Sent: 01 November 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: improve fuel improve power



CYCLONE FUEL SAVER
LESS FUEL MORE POWER


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FRANCOIS ____________

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improved from 5.8 Km/l to a very impressive 7.7 Km/L. Thank You”. - G.
Lubbe – Pretoria

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urban driving after installing a Cyclone Fuel Saver". - D. Beukes – Walvisbaai

"I have recently fitted a Cyclone fuel saver in my Colt 2.8 bakkie and was
astounded to note that my normal usage rate of R1.40 per km, was reduced
to R1.10 per km!". Des - Pretoria East

“I installed two Cyclone fuel savers in my Jeep Rubicon and gained a 10% saving. I usually did 400km – now notice +- 460km before I refuel”. J Venter – Noordheuwel – Sales Director

---

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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 04 November 2011
To: Francois
Subject: RE: improve fuel improve power

Dear Francois

In these troubled economic times, it is good that people are looking to save money in their daily activities….little things, like eating beetle grubs, washing your toilet paper and wearing patch-work quilts…

I scour the news headlines every day and I have medically diagnosed fits of depression when I see the headlines that mire our world today. Not least of which the global weather disasters we are experiencing…

Which prompts me to ask you why you decided on calling this contraption a “Cyclone” fuel saver?

Cyclones, by their very definition cause whorls of whirlpool – like destruction to anything they encounter, so this was a bad faux pas on your part…sort of like Mc Donalds naming their Big Mac “Cardiovascular Implosion”…

This was definitely not clear thinking, I believe you should have gone the alliteration route for this, like “Fantastic Fuel Funnel”, or “ Powerhouse Petrol Peripheral” or even “Dynamic Diesel Device”.

Consumers warm to these sorts of names, not tornadoes and pestilence and the like….

I enjoyed your testimonials from Pretoria, Noordheuwel and Walvisbaai, except – these should have come from one person, who had travelled through all of these places on ONE TANK OF FUEL!

Maybe that Sales Director (who would have rapport and probably be educated and have lots of unit trusts and insurance against cyclones etc) would be best….


Anyway! These are just my opinions. Hope you can make use of these insights.

Best of luck and go well, with Shell…or Engen or whatever…..





















Regards

Allen

Put us to the test

From: Smartsurance
Sent: 20 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Put us to the test













How much could you save?
People who have used our services and switched to providers of their choice saved on average between 20% and 30%.
Put us to the test!

For existing policy holders:
Find out if you are getting the best you can.
It's a good idea to check that your insurance provider(s) is still offering a competitive price.
We can arrange the most competitive and affordable rates for you.
We will ensure that you are not disappointed.

New quotes:
We believe we can beat any quote.
Insurers have different risk profiles and options;
it is good to check whether you can get a better offer from another insurer.
You can find the most affordable car insurance saving thousands every year.








From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 17 October 2011
To: Smartsurance
Subject: Put us to the test


Dear SmartSurance

Thanks for this all-too-enticing insurance sales pitch. It is ironic that you ask me “how much could you save?”

Now, as a lover of good insurance as well as saving as many shekels that I can possibly muster - My family and I must still be able to survive right?

As it is, we’re already saving loads by washing our toilet paper, grating our rice etc. Sometimes, I even go Number 2 on our front lawn so that thieves will think we have big aggressive dogs, and be deterred…

I have a very large “Book of Quotes” at home. It includes some insightful words from the likes of Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, and that crazy Oscar Wilde dude…

None of what they say in that book though relates to saving money or insurance though? I’m disturbed by this, because if it wasn’t a trending topic in their day, what are the odds of it being so today?

“Don’t quote me on that”, by the way! (Ha ha, a little bit of insurance jargon fun…)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I prefer asset insurance to life insurance….I recently acquired the late Dr Jack Kevorkian’s suicide machine on E-Bay, tweaked a few settings, and “killed” myself for 24hrs so that I could see what money my next of kin would get. Let me tell you, they almost screwed me…Luckily that stupid machine auto-revived me at the programmed point and I was able to stalk out of the mortuary straight to those scum at “Live To Die!”….

Anyway, please let me know on the asset insurance? And one last thing, taxidermy is a part time hobby of mine….would you cover 2 stuffed male buffalo, and one dwarf albino sea-horse?

Regards

Allen

Is your company's data disaster-proof?

From: Big Promotions
Sent: 04 October 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Is your company's data disaster-proof?










Hi Colleague,

Many companies and organizations have some kind of backup plan for their files. The question is, does yours? Even if you currently back up data to a server, an external hard drive, or tape, your data may be at risk in the event of disaster unless it's safely and securely stored off-site.

That's where Vault-IT can help. We wanted to introduce you briefly to a few facts about us that you may want to consider in light of your current backup plan:
• We know data. Vault-IT manages petabytes of data for many customers from homes and businesses.
• Your data is safe with Vault-IT. Our world-class data centers use military-grade encryption.
• Businesses of all sizes trust Vault-IT. We serve Corporate Companies to small businesses, non-profits, and everything else in between.
• Vault-IT is simple to use, secure, and affordable and little management required. Vault-IT includes 24/7 support

See the attached PDF to learn more about Vault-IT online backup for business. We'd like to answer any questions you have about our service or backup in general. Just email bigpromotions@fantasticpromotions.kr with your contact info and one or our consultants will contact you.

Be safe!
The Vault-IT Team




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All Prices are Inclusive of VAT .
Terms of sale are direct deposit or Electronic funds transfer (EFT). Strictly no cheques

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From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 05 October 2011
To: bigpromotions
Subject: Fwd: FW: Is your company's data disaster-proof?

To whom it may concern

You have managed to engage my attention entirely with your dynamic diagram,this picture is not worth 1000 words, it is worth at least, the very least, 1046 words!

Especially the subtle way you have masculated the “back-up server”. It looks like the champion of 1999’s “Robot Wars”!

“Back-up” is an essential component of daily life, I recall being about 11 years old and my friend and I used to play “TJ Hooker” in the back yard, I was TJ and he was Romano (on account of him having the darker hair), and I would radio him, calling for “back-up” because two thugs were hailing bullets down on me whilst I was crouched down behind my trusty Ford Pinto police cruiser…

Anyway, this all looks awesome – I fully endorse ‘Vault-It’ for my Data back up!

p.s. I especially like the way you refer to me as ‘colleague’, and how you speak of ‘military grade encryption’ – feels like an episode of “Fringe”!

I have designed a (somewhat crude) logo that perhaps you can make use of for the “Data Vault It” system, you have already gathered that I am a fan of images over words in my first sentence, so have a look and let me know what you reckon!!

Regards “Colleague”!


Allen
























p.s. I noticed where you’ve written “TO UNSUBSCRIBE Click Bellow”, that there is no image of a ‘bellow’ to link to, I have taken the liberty of throwing one in for you! No need to thank me colleague! Ungratefulness is ‘bellow’ my dignity!

From: pj [mailto:info@________]
Sent: 16 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Flexisnake unblocks your drains due to an excess of hairs in most household drains.

Believe it or not flexidrain does the plumbers work time and again for R69.00.... what a relief.

Keep this wonderful tool handy in your house and unblock your drains easily.You will be amazed. Save on expensive plumbers.

A small flexible wire with velcro at the end. Click here to buy this amazing product ____________





















click to contact _____________.co.za only R69.00

to unsubscribe click here Unsubscribe me from this list
________________________________________
Powered by REM



From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 16 September 2011

To: info@_____________

Subject: Fwd: FW: the snake that unblocks your drains R69.00

Dear PJ

This is nothing short of phenomenal!

I am a work-from-home guy who owns a large cattery. I have approximately 234 cats that I am responsible for, boarding them and so forth when their owners go on holiday etc.

The problem is, they require very regular grooming in terms of shampooing them, brushing them etc, and what with summer practically upon us, this issue is getting progressively worse.

Here’s my dilemma, I have 2 large zinc wash basins where Felix and I wash at least 40cats each per day. I know what you’re thinking…Felix is a cat’s name too, what a coincidence!Felix suffers terribly though from chronic rhinitis and is actually allergic to cats, come to think of it – he also actually hates them…

I have no idea why I hired him really, you truly can believe that old adage of cats having nine lives though! Otherwise Felix would’ve snuffed them all out by now…

Now, I had an idea and being something of an inventive person myself, I have sort of ‘borrowed’ your idea – don’t worry about your patent though, because despite my design modelled on ,and being 98% identical to yours, it’s intended function is completely and utterly different.

Get ready for….The Fur Foe”.

This baby will completely negate the need for your product altogether since in my business, the majority of clogged hair in drains comes from spat – up hairballs that get lodged in the cats’ throats.

So, all one needs to do is get the cat into the “kitty harness” and then gently “plunge” the cat’s throat with the Fur Foe and equally gently withdraw it and et voila! You have the hairy culprit, ready for extrication!
I have now begun mass production on these babies and should have 100 or so ready by month – end.

Obviously, if people buying them don’t have cats, they can use the Fur Foe simply for clearing out domestic drains….
What do you think PJ?

I see right at the bottom of your mail that your subscription server is powered by REM, my favourite song by them is “The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight” – especially the lyric :

“The cat in the hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way
Always had a smile and a reason to pretend
But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream
The sidewinder sleeps on his back”



















Regards

Allen

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club

From: Randpark Club
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club









Greetings from Randpark Club Thursday, 15 September 2011

Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club - Charity Music Concert
Sunday - 2 October will see the usually quiet and serene Randpark Golf Club turn into a hive of activity as the Club hosts “Paige of Tunes”, a picnic-style music concert, in aid for cerebral palsy.

The Concert will take place in front of the Randpark Clubhouse and Fairway Hotel on the 18th fairway and starts at 12h00, wrapping up around 18h30.

Tickets are for sale from Computicket at R175pp – great value for money considering the fantastic line up which includes stars such as Dozi, Heinz Winkler, Lianie May, Louise Carver, Emmanuel Castis, Evolver One, Beverley Jayne and Roland Albertson. Click here to buy tickets.

Kids under 12 enter for free and parents can send them off to the 9th fairway which will have jumping castles, plastic jungle gyms and other kids equipment to keep them happily occupied.

Additional hot food, drinks and other beverages will be for sale from the Clubhouse on the day.

Alternatively, Sunday buffet lunch in Balata Restaurant at the 5-star Fairway Hotel is available at R295 per person, which includes your ticket to the music concert. Kids under 12 eat for free.

The Vista Deck at the Fairway Hotel is still up for grabs if Corporates want to entertain their guests in absolute style. 50% of the proceeds of the venue hire will be donated to The Paige Project.

Ever fancied owning your own bunker? Now is your chance to “Buy a bunker” on the Randpark Golf Course in aid of charity.

Create your own personalised bunker by delivering your camping chairs, gazebo’s and branding to the Club the day before and they will do the rest. Tilani Edwards is ready to assist with your inquiries.


If you would like to receive more mails from Randpark Club on a quarterly basis - click here.


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 15 September 2011
To: dougbain@___________
Subject: Paige of Tunes at Randpark Golf Club


Dear Doug

As much as I’d like to, I cannot accept this invitation to Randpark Club on account my having been banned from every golf-club in South Africa…

Just a little incident that happened at Leopard Creek last December involving myself, an old school friend, 2 bottles of Jose Cuervo, a ‘stolen’ golf-cart and believe it or not, an actual leopard….it’s a very long story which I haven’t yet completely gotten over yet due to Brian (my friend) still under-going treatment for Ailurophobia (the fear of cats)…

Thus, I will try and enjoy the Paige of Tunes Charity Music Gig from my inbox instead, what is the link please for me to skype in?
Wood (a little golf joke…) you perhaps be able to pay a caddie on my behalf to carry a laptop around with one of the players so that I can at least share in the moment?

Not sure if you have any celebs playing there, maybe Lianie May can then have “me” on her lap front row when Dozi starts his set?

But she must sit near the back rows, Dozi drinks a lot of Sambuca (to numb his ears from his own voice I presume) and also has a terrible habit of spitting when he sings.

Anyway, let me know on that, then, another thing – this “buy a bunker” pitch, are these for like, underground/nuclear fall-out bunkers?

Randpark is nowhere near Kabul, nor even Chernobyl as far as I know, but I could be wrong…fortunately the golf club’s strict dress code would like prevent any potential Al Qaeda insurgents from spoiling the day.






















Please come back to me Doug.

Regards

Allen

From: MOSSELBAY
Sent: 26 August 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !



Mosselbay is Great.


Come See the Point!












IF you are thinking of retiring, starting a new business or finding a better quality of life for your family give Mosselbay your attention for a few minutes. Ask us for all the information you could need about infrastructure, healthcare, schools, business opportunities, accomm-odation and more.

AS multiple Town-of-the-Year laureate and one of SA's premier year round vacation destinations Mosselbay offers great climate, great services and great lifestyle opportunities.

Plus you dont have to be a millionaire to enjoy them.

ONLY two hours from the P.W.V .by Kulula, Onetime or SAA, three hours by road from both PE and Cape Town and with the city of George on your doorstep you're never further from the business hurly burly than you'd like to be.

WANT to know more about what our Town can offer YOU?

KEEP receiving our mail once a month and learn about accommo-dation, dining, adventure and other exciting incentives, discounts and funstuff for your trial visit.
Mail: mosselbay@mailwave.co.za

This is a public service information notice donated to the Town of Mosselbay by Mailwave. Please refer any complaints or enquiries to the above address. Or simply unsubscribe below.

"Come See the Point!" Key links
Our Town
Our Business
Our Schools





I am not interested in any more information. Please unsubscribe me.




Problems with this mail? Contact support@__________




From: Allen Johnson

Sent: 26 August 2011

To: mosselbay@________

Subject: Visit Soon and See Our Point !

Dear Mosselbay

I have been keeping an eye on your idyllic shores for sometime now and am interested in procuring some seaside property.

Not too close to the ocean though, I have a chronic phobia of sudden rising tides, just like that song by Blondie – whenever I hear Debbie Harry’s voice I reflexively inflate the life – vest that I wear 24 hours a day.
We all have our little compulsions…

But I also don’t want to be too far away from the shoreline, you see – I enjoy angling but get tremendously sea-sick when I go out onto water, in fact I regularly vomit on myself even when taking a simple bath and believe me, trying to clean half-digested chicken nuggets between the grooves of my life vest is extremely difficult.

Anyway, I’m not a “traditional” fisherman, in fact I like to harpoon whales and would thus like to have a double-storey property near the ocean from which I can spear those big boys with my home-made harpoon rig. (I call it the “Herman Melville”)

It’s propulsion system is nuclear powered, I found 4kg of plutonium one day while searching for sea-shells in East London and promptly stuffed it down the front of my Speedo, it’s hard to sleep at night now as my crotch glows an eerie green…must have been something I ate.

Anyway, do you have something in that line? Oh, I hope there aren’t submarines patrolling the waters there – I used my harpoon once off the Persian Gulf and speared a U-Boat accidentally, nobody was killed although and the occupants were drenched, my harpoon had also penetrated the ocean floor so deep, that I struck oil.

I shared most of it with the submarine guys, and they’ve since bought a 10 – man submarine, with an en suite bathroom.
Win-win if you ask me…
Let me know will you?

BANZAI!!!!!




















Regards

Allen

Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min

From: Worldchat
Sent: 04 July 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min













Yes! Now you can use your Smartphone to chat to your loved ones or business contacts overseas at really affordable prices!
Features & Benefits:
• Portable & available anywhere that you can get good internet access on your phone.
• Can also be used in WiFi hot spots or your home or office Wifi
• Works on either Android or Iphone
• Works on 3G/HSDPA or Wireless
• Easy to use: No need to enter your pin number each time you want to make a call. Just open the app, and dial the number you wish to call directly (in international format).
Click here to get connected now!

Where can you purchase Worldchat airtime?
• Buy airtime online now
• Independent stockists which can be located on our website.
• Checkers & Checkers Hyper Nationwide
• Selected Spar stores




More features will come later, including the ability to use your PC instead of a smartphone.



Blackberry also coming soon.....
Got Questions?
Email:_____________




From: Allen Johnson
Date: Tue, Jul 5, 2011
Subject:Call overseas from your Smartphone from just 19c/min
To: info@___________


To whom it may concern

I have always been inspired by the great inventors of our generation, and in particular the revolution of communication in the 21st century.

But I believe in tangible communication means, these “wireless networks” and “wi-fi” and “Bluetooth” enabled devices are so superficial and I believe consumers feel at least some element of “buyer’s remorse” when they purchase such “data” packages.

Besides, I asked a so-called “smart-phone” where I’d put my dentures yesterday and it had no idea – I am still on leek soup until I find them…

Anyway, I have over the last 20 years, built an under-sea hollow cable network from South Africa all the way to Washington DC, with a separate talk-pipe that goes right to the White House.

So, unlike your pitch of contacting “friends and relatives over-seas”, I balk at your proposal and say, “contact your friends and relatives UNDER-seas!”

And, instead of patrons buying air-time, my customers buy “wet time”.

Now, you may be interested to find out how I achieved this remarkable feat, well I could tell you but….I’ve basically forgotten…my physician tells me I’ve had more “bends” than Mercedes, building “that darned contraption”.

Anyway, the final pipe welding was completed in 2002 and I now have a 50cm diameter, 13 000km long communication pipe lying at the bottom of the ocean.

Like the Russians in WWII, I also employed the services of animals to run down the length of pipes with written messages tied to little bags around their “provision bags” (which contained food and water for their arduous journey…)

I tested a series of animals for their speed,slenderness (pipe-fit criticality) and brain function (for when the “bends” struck).

2 animals came up trumps, the ferret, and the skunk. So, I sent the ferret in first and he got to DC after a year or so and he had somehow become fluent in whale….

Tragically though, “Popeye” died half-way trying to come back….my pipe-line was now blocked.

So….I sent the skunk down to clear the corpse (it is a little known fact that skunks feed on dead ferrets – it’s true, Bear Grylls wrote about it….)

I sent “Pepe” down on his perilous mission along with a stolen medical doctor’s beeper which I used to try to trace his movement with my trusty sea – microphone.

The real problem then started when it was evident that Popeye wasn’t dead at all, but had in fact been playing “possum” all this time, a further revelation revealed to me that he had also in fact actually BEEN a possum all this time!

Awkward…. What happened next was just awful, Popeye bit Pepe right in the rump and in doing so, ruptured his “stink gland”…under approximately 3 million metric tonnes of water pressure, that stench pretty much zip-lined to DC, and…the White House.

George W Bush had to be rushed to the emergency room, the CIA covered up the whole embarrassing incident citing attempted Taliban anthrax attacks…

I have since made the “Most Wanted” list in the USA for all the wrong reasons…

I just wanted to share my pioneering story with you, no pain no gain.

By the way, Bear says skunks are edible, you just gotta avoid their stink glands….





















Regards

Allen

Join Body and Mind

From: Body and Mind
Sent: 30 June 2011 10:46
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.




















MEDITATION CD by MARGI MCAPLINE

Margi McAlpine of Angel Connection is delighted to announce the release of her first meditation CD. It is important that our Chakras are balanced, spinning at the right speed and aligned. As we raise our vibrations, we need to work with our Chakras as this will assist with raising our vibrations to higher dimensions thereby accelerating our self- development and Ascension. Use these guided meditations on a regular basis to assist you in balancing and aligning your chakras. When your chakras are aligned and balanced you will be able to function at an optimal level in your everyday life.
The CD includes two guided meditations. / To read more about Margi Click here..




TRUST YOUR VIBES ORACLE CARDS by SONIA CHOQUETTE

This powerful card deck by vibrational healer and revolutionary teacher Sonia Choquette is designed to activate your psychic voice and show you how to live the six-sensory life. Each of the 52 cards in this deck is a creative tool for using your psychic muscles. These cards will give you access to your Divine support system and deepen your connection to God, your Higher Self, and spirit helpers from the Other Side.

Use the card deck and accompanying guidebook daily, and you'll learn to trust your vibes and experience the ease and flow of six-sensory living.

10 STEPS TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE by EVE A. WOOD

Psychiatrist, professor, and award-winning author Eve Wood trusts in your capacity to heal - to clear the way to a natural state of hope, harmony, and well-being. The insights and tools she shares in this book will enable you to identify and resolve your issues. Dr.Christiane Northrup says this book is “one of the best books I’ve ever seen on how to achieve emotional balance and happiness. It’s practical, real world and very readable. Dr. Wood is my kind of doctor.”

THE END OF KARMA by DHARMA SINGH KHALSA

The End of Karma is written for anyone ready to take a quantum leap in their spiritual growth. Practical, uncomplicated, and masterful, this precious little gem of a book transports you effortlessly into the realm of spirit and soul. By reading only one chapter a day of its lovely poetic verse and then reflecting on it, you’ll move from travelling on the all-too-often bumpy highway of fate to the smooth royal road of your ultimate destiny: always living in tune with your Higher power, the God within you. Spirituality has become too complicated. It’s been made far too philosophical and intellectual. In reality, God is within you; and you have the right to experience that peace, happiness, and joy while living on earth in the here-and-now, regardless of your circumstances in life. The End of Karma will awaken that truth within you. Remove the mystery from your life. Discover and live your dharma, and start ending your karma today.

PATHWAYS OF THE SUN by DEAN LIPRINI

Pathways of the Sun is a compilation of more than 17 years of Dean Liprini’s research of the Sacred Sites of the Ancients at the Southern Tip of Africa, where the Two Great Primal Oceans of the Atlantic and Indian Waters Unite. Here he has found and unveils an extensive network of Sacred Stones, Springs and and Ancient Burial Caves, woven together across more than 700 km to form a “Light Grid” an Ancient Celestial calendar, defined by the cardinal directions of the Sunrise and Sunset of the Summer and Winter Solstices and the Equinoxes and a lot more......Dean has explored not only the various physical Academic Sciences, Archaeology, Astronomy, Geology, Geography and History... but also the Sacred Geometries, Spiritual and Metaphysical Healing aspects Enshrined within these Sacred Sites. A most fascinating and beautifully illustrated book filled with Great Spirit, mystery and wander.

IPOD SHUFFLE by BODY AND MIND

The iPod Shuffle is a digital audio player designed and marketed by Apple Inc. It is the smallest model in Apple's iPod family, and was the first to use flash memory. iPod Shuffle weighs 22 g and was designed to be easily loaded with a selection of songs and to play them in random order.

AURORA HEALING CENTRE WEEKEND AWAY by AURELIA

Aurelia from Aurora Healing Centre in KZN will be offering a 2 night stay at the Aurora Healing Centre. Aurora is situated in Melville/Banana Beach on the lower south coast of KwaZulu-Natal. It is a year-round holiday destination, suitable for those seeking a quiet place to relax and unwind. This little known area is free from traffic congestion and bustling crowds, about an hour's drive from Durban, 12km before Port Shepstone and 20km from Shelly Beach. To read more about Aurora click here..

Subscribe to our mailing list and be entered in to our competition!!
To enter and to join our mailing list click here.

Look forward to hearing from you!!
Warm Regards,
Body and Mind
www.bodyandmind.co.za


From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 04 July 2011 1
To: info@bodyandmind.co.za
Subject: Fwd:Join Body and Mind's Mailing List, we will keep you updated with health and well being in SA.


Dear Body&Mind

Your invitation to have me “join your mailing list” would suggest you already HAVE me on your mailing list.

However, I have read through this whilst doing vertical push-ups on my own chakra sticks and I’m afraid that in so doing, I’d forgotten about the hot stones that were precariously balanced on my back, which have now slid down the crevice of my buttocks forcing me to self-hypnotize myself instantly for the pain…so here I stand, intermittently replying to your email with one hand whilst balancing on ONE chakra stick…all the while chanting the pain – numbing mantra of the South Tibetan Boys Choir “uchra – machra, uchra – machra…”


I have read all of your advertised books already, I have even read “The Eleven Steps to Take Charge Of Your Emotional Life” v.s. your “ Ten Steps…” the 11th step being to remember to cry as loudly as you can for exactly 41 minutes (without bursting a blood vessel in your medulla oblongata).


I had once mistakenly ordered a book from Amazon thinking it was “The End Of Karma” as advertised on your list below, but they messed up and sent me Boy George’s biography about the break-up of Culture Club, entitled “The End Of Karma Chameleon”.


I quickly had to suppress feelings of rage, but quickly initiated self-flagellation (where you whip your own back until you bleed, a penance of sorts – you like Dan Brown books probably, or look it up – whatever…) Although that day, I forgot I had acupuncture pins in my back and thus resembled an enlightened pin-cushion by day’s end.


Anyway, I’m still new at this all and should be ok once I’ve conquered Everest with only a sleeping bag and a Mars bar next month. I will send photos!















Jhe Yong!

Allen

Overpaying on your insurance?

From: Best cover
Sent: 30 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Overpaying on your insurance?




















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Overpaying on your insurance?
To: peter_________




Dear Peter


I WOULD love some discount on insurance please. I understand that FFW (“First For Women”) offers superb rates on insurance cover.


It is to this end that I have run the numbers in terms of potential savings (I am habitually in motor car accidents due to a heavy foot and well, because some people say I am “a raging alcoholic with substance abuse issues ranging from sniffing burning hamster fur and drinking litres of hand sanitizer…”) - But these are subjective opinions…


I digress…anyway, being “First For Women”, my one obstacle is fairly obvious…I am not a woman.


Despite years of so-called “Ethanol Inhalation Syndrome” which had supposedly rendered me impotent, the people at FFW STILL refuse to sign me up.
I am therefore going to have “gender removal” surgery to effectively render me androgynous.


My attorney says it’s a great loop-hole should “First For Men” ever come about, or hit absolute pay-dirt if an insurance company called “ Man-Lady Mad Buys” opens it’s doors to me, as I will effectively be their only member (no pun intended).

What is your view Peter?

Allen (soon to be Alice)

Go Beyond The Obvious

From: See What’s Possible
Sent: 24 May 2011
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........













Expand Your Horizons

Go where Nothing is Beyond Your Reach.

Can creative problem solving abilities be increased?
Can talent and mental focus be summoned at will?
Can intellectual ability be expanded?
Can something be done to release the natural genius residing within each one of us?


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Learn to focus at will.
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Learn to Relax properly.
Learn to defuse Conflict.
Be more Productive.
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Booking Code : BC 602



From: Allen Johnson
Sent: 02 June 2011
To: brad@_________
Subject: Fwd: Go Beyond the Obvious ..........


Hello Brad

Thanks for your mail, but I found it rather insensitive – especially your reference to “Go where nothing is beyond your reach”.

Brad, I underwent life-changing surgery when I was 15 years old. I was born without arms you see, and at 15 – my name was pulled out of a database for a revolutionary arm transplant operation.

My recovery went very well, but I came to notice with time some differences in my limb behaviour… I requested the donor information from the hospital and found out that my right arm had been donated by a 28 year old body-builder, and my left arm was donated by a very violent female kleptomaniac.

Now Brad, at the age of 15 it is very natural with the onset of puberty and raging hormones, and awareness of the opposite sex – that I began to have certain urges…

What should have been a ‘normal’ activity for a young boy behind a closed bedroom door with a racy publication soon became a nightmare from hell. Suffice to say, it was my right arm “Arnold” holding the magazine, and “Winona”, my left arm doing the legwork, so to speak…

I cannot elaborate as it is too traumatic…you have no clue what it is like to try out for the swimming team, only to rip circular whirlpools into the water and almost drown the entire polo team…

Nor would you know what it’s like when you’re touring a local live snake show in Thailand only to have your left hand try and stuff seventeen monocled cobras into your jacket pocket.

I just thought you should know that your e-mail has dredged up horrible memories for me…

I have since found my niche in life now being employed as an all-rounder county cricketer, I bowl the fastest deliveries known to man, and as a batsman – I can steal 3 singles when edging to the wicket-keeper.

Kind Regards

Allen

Introducing MyUniqueBid

From: MyUniqueBid
Sent: 16 May 2011 17:40
To: Allen Johnson
Subject: Introducing MyUniqueBid

My Unique Bid is changing all the rules.
Instead of bidding a fortune for something, we want you to bid the lowest unique bid. Check out www.myuniquebid.co.za and register today!
By simply registering and referring as many friends as possible, you could win a 16gig ipad worth R5000. Get started here.

















From: Allen Johnson
Date: Fri, May 20, 2011
Subject: Fwd: Introducing MyUniqueBid
To: Introducing MyUniqueBid

Dear “Unique Bid”

I already have all these items, what else can you perhaps offer me? I have over the years, acquired a personal wish list of items that I always have wanted to get – and despite a plethora of visits to auctions around the world, I have always been dismayed not to have found them…

So, in light of your “Unique Bid” website, and the fact that E-Bay have a restraining order against me for sending them my wish list requests – please will you see whether you can line up one or more of the following for me:

• The Director’s Cut DVD of “Pakistani Nights – Unhoarding bin Laden’s Erotica: Now Un-Tali-banned”.
• Charlie Sheen’s ashtray.
• 3-D contact lenses.
• Clown shoes for my clown fish (he’s a size 000000.5) – he’s just learnt to trapeze into the wash basin…
• Ghost repellent spray
• A vinyl LP player that plays records backwards but that doesn’t reverse the way the words sound...I just love that ballad, “ Dead Are Friends My All”….























Please respond as soon as you can, I will get my E-bucks and coupons ready in anticipation!

Allen

Cricket Capers Part 1...

You may, or may not have heard Darren Scott’s “Rugby Panel” on 94.2 Jacaranda FM on the “Just Plain Breakfast” where you hear one guy that impersonates several voices with eerie similarity in a mock rugby panel that either previews, or reviews key rugby games. His repertoire includes Pieter de Villiers (P-Divvy); Hugh Bladen (“give us another whizza!”); Joel Stransky; and Nataniel…yes…Nataniel…

The sketch is no longer than 5 minutes or so and is tightly scripted and is sublimely executed which leaves all reeling with laughter.

Now…I figured I’d script a “Cricket Panel” sketch, just for fun and including players that have the misfortune of wearing the ear-piece on the pitch at the time…. Not sure I could pull the voices off, but this would be the long and short of it.

Here’s the scene….it’s a current World XI v.s. a “Heroes of the Past XI” and they’re playing a T20 in Chennai… this is part 1…





“Hello Chennai! And welcome to today’s massive encounter between the “World XI” and the “Heroes Past XI”! I have with me today’s captains, Shane Warne and Kamran Akmal. Kamran, you have the coin, please will you toss it and call it….”







‘What coin Ravi?....”







“Never mind…I’ll do it, you call it in the air…”








“Not guilty! I mean…tails....”










“Tails it is…what are you going to do Kamran?” You say you are going to have a bet?? Oh, it must be the crowd. Akmal has won the toss and has elected to bat!”









“ Aww yeah, the wicket oughtta hold up for 40 overs, I would’a done the same mate”…










“On this surface the power play will be vital, Danny – having been a hero of the past before, like me, you would favour the bouncy conditions out there?”







“Thenk you Kepler, yeah!! You just cahn’t take ANYTHING for grahnted on this sort of pitch, the girls are dancing, the fireworks are flying and Allen Stanford must be elated with the inclusion of Chris Gayle here today!”..



*hastily cut to ad break*












“We apologise for that loss of transmission to our viewers worldwide, Danny had a problem with his mic, back to you in the Supersport Studio Hays, we’ll return our viewers to the action very shortly!”…









“ Um yes, well uh…strange um.. I apologi….”










“ (hic*) wha? What? “..









Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………









“ROFLMAO!!”